Save Me A Spark
by MeredithBrody
Summary: Meredith Brody disappeared and then turns up two years later with more than a small surprise for Pride. Can they rebuild their relationship once Merri has explained why she had to leave?
1. Chapter 1

_**This first chapter was, previously, posted under the title "Coming Back Home" - But since I've decided to rework it and continue it, I'm reposting it with the name of the full fic and there will be a good number of chapters following. I hope you all enjoy it.**_  
 _ **As you all know, I'm trying to create as many good reasons for Merri to have left as I possibly can. So here we are. Reason number... 6, I think.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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Coming back to New Orleans had been more difficult than she had thought it possibly could be. It was almost exactly 2 years since the day she'd been forced to kill John Russo and leave the city, but now she was back, and she had the proof that this place was her home perched on her hip. Turning the corner to St Ann Street she knew exactly where she was, and it still looked exactly as it had the day she'd left here. "Look, this is where Mommy used to work. Daddy still works here. Shall we see if anyone remembers me?" She whispered to her son as they crossed the road, and as soon as she got to the gate she prepared to grab her driver's licence.

"Brody?" Came a voice from the back of the booth, and she managed to look through and wave a little. Her hair was longer now, and she had blonde highlights, but mostly she looked the same. A few more scars, a few more wrinkles, but almost exactly as she had done then. Looking in she was glad to see that Roy looked the same.

"Hey, Roy." She smiled widely as he just opened the gate and stood up to come up to her. In a way, Merri was really glad that he was the one on the gate. She tapped Kieran's chest to get his attention and smiled as the toddler turned his attention to the officer stood in front of them. "This man saved mommy's life once before you existed." She grinned and kissed his cheek.

"Who's the little one?" Roy's face had really clearly figured it out, and it wasn't hard. With the blonde curls and her dark eyes, it was clear who the toddler's parents were. Brody still didn't know how she'd fooled people for so long that this baby was Russo's. John had been dark and much more heavy set.

"Kieran, my son." She decided to leave it at that, not wanting to confirm anything until after she'd spoken to King. He deserved to get this news first. She'd been in occasional contact with all of them, it actually had helped her cover, but she'd never mentioned being pregnant, or the parentage of her child. She wasn't sure if she was ready to face everyone, but she needed to do this. "Are they here?"

"Pride is, not sure where the others are today." Roy looked unsure if that was what she wanted to hear or not, but Merri hoped that her look of relief would tell him that that was exactly what she needed. She didn't want the whole team to see King's reaction to learning that he had a son he'd never had the chance to meet until now.

"Great, it's Pride I wanted to talk to anyway. Catch up soon?" She genuinely wanted to learn what had changed in Roy's life, and what was going on with him. Catching up with people would be a fun thing, and probably the best part of coming home. On top of that, she'd get to have her chosen family around her, even if she didn't come back to work here.

"Definitely. Go on through, he's in the kitchen." Roy waved her through, finally starting to close the gate behind them. Lifting Kieran a little higher in her arms she took a deep breath and started walking toward the doors that for 2 years had been a second home. She'd been gone almost as long as she'd been here, but this still felt like home.

"Thanks." She called back as she walked in, hoping that King hadn't already heard her. She looked to her desk and put a hand on the top of it for a moment, not wanting to think about whoever was sat there now. She had more to focus on than that. "Hey, let's go meet daddy. Show him everything he missed." Merri dropped the bag by King's desk then went through to the doorway to the kitchen, seeing him sat on one of the stools facing away from the door. She just stood and watched him for a moment, the sight at once familiar and foreign. This all felt like a dream, but she knew the dream had to end, and the fastest way to do that was to speak to him. "Hello, Dwayne."

The reaction was instantaneous, he jumped and span around in his stool and stared at her open mouthed. She could count the seconds he just sat staring at her, and if she hadn't known better she would have thought time had frozen. "Meredith?" He almost whispered, as if his eyes were fooling him and he needed confirmation.

"It's me." She confirmed and smiled as he stood up and came over to her, his hand going automatically to her cheek, then running his fingers through her hair. He still looked somewhat confused and shocked. It was obvious that he had never expected to see her in person again, but here she was.

"What… How…?" He asked, still just looking at her as though she as an apparition or a ghost. He seemed to need to keep a hand on her to believe she was there, and she wondered briefly how much he'd suffered after their one stolen evening before she'd set off for Florida.

"I'll tell you all about it, I promise." She shouldn't, he wasn't cleared, but Merri wanted him to know where she'd been, and why she hadn't told anyone about the small human who was living on her hip. "First, though, say hello to Kieran." She grinned, hoping that King would be able to see himself in the little boy.

"Hello Kieran, you look familiar." King said quietly and put his free hand on Kieran's back. The toddler buried his head in her neck for a moment but then looked up again and gave King a shy smile. Kieran was more like Merri in his personality so far, but that could change when he was around his father more.

"He looks like his dad." She confirmed as best she could. "Made being away so long easier." It really had, Kieran had been the thing that reminded her that she had people who would want her back when she went home, and coming home was the only thing that had made her survive the last 2 years.

"Are you saying..?" He wanted to hear her say that this was his son, and actually, Merri didn't blame him for that, especially since their night together was almost immediately after she'd been with someone else. But there was absolutely no doubt about it in her mind, though if King wanted a DNA test she wouldn't object to it.

"He's your son." She nodded and as she did Kieran laughed loudly and pulled at her hair in the same moment. Merri felt her head pulled sideways and she went to untangle her hair from Kieran's hand, but King got there first, just smiling as he pulled the little hand away from her hair. "The hardest part of all this was not being able to tell you that."

"Where have you been?" She was watching his face and saw his grimace as the words slipped out. Standing so close together made it easy for her to just put her hand on his arm and try to reassure him in her own way that she didn't blame him for asking. Merri would admit if the situation was reversed she would be the same.

"New York." For a moment she'd considered lying, saying somewhere else, but that wouldn't make sense, and she just wanted to make this all alright by being completely honest with him. At the very least he deserved that because there was no way that he was going to find out about it if she didn't let him in.

"Why the hell were you in New York?" He looked completely surprised by that. She was a long way away, but maybe not as far as he'd thought she would have been. For a time she'd been in DC, but that had only been a few weeks, most of the time she'd been in New York, where she'd helped them take it all down.

The best thing about the fact she'd already testified was that she didn't have to pretend that there was any other reason for her having been in New York. She could tell him that it had been an undercover operation. That her unique position was going to make her the perfect person to take the part on. "I was undercover. That's why… I couldn't tell you about Kieran."

"Why?" She assumed that he was asking why she was the one undercover. He'd been in law enforcement for long enough to know that she hadn't been able to tell him about Kieran because it would blow her cover. It was why she'd never even mentioned him to them on those calls.

"Russo. I was taken while in Florida, then they had to put on a show for you guys." She hadn't known the details of what had happened here, but she did know that it probably hadn't been all that much fun for them, and on top of it, she had just disappeared with no real explanation. At least she could give them an explanation now.

"You were cleared by them?" Pride sounded like he was confused, and that made her wonder what they'd told him. Did they think she was in prison this whole time, or was she just disappeared other than the few times that she called them and told them that she was alright.

"Immediately, we all were, but the FBI needed to make a show of it." How much of a show she didn't know still, but she knew that there was something that would have happened here. No doubt an investigation, and something that would have tried to piss King off as much as they could. Try to make him break just to be certain that he wouldn't rush off to find her if pushed. "Nobody knew but the FBI director, Vance, Gibbs and my FBI handler."

"Were you safe?" He asked, and Merri realised that all he cared about was her safety, so she just gave a nod and smiled, lifting Kieran again as he slid down her side. Settling him again she saw King's eyes go back to study him for a second and she already knew the question he was about to ask. "You certain he's mine?"

"That's a fair question, but yes I'm certain." She really, genuinely was for so many reasons, not just Kieran's looks. Though they were the biggest clue as to who he had come from. "Besides the fact he looks just like you… it's not possible for him to be John's." One of the things she was going to regret having to say, but it was going to come out.

"You slept with him." King said matter-of-factly and Merri just nodded then sighed dramatically, maybe being more precious about this than she really had a right to be given that it was actually something meaningful to him as well. He needed to know why she was so certain that Kieran was his.

"I did, but we used protection. You and I didn't." It came out as bluntly as she could possibly have said it, and she ended up laughing a little as a blush spread across his cheeks. At the time neither of them had even considered protection, it hadn't even dawned on Merri until she'd been stood there with the positive pregnancy test.

"No, we didn't." Kind ended up chuckling too, clearly remembering that night as well. That was exactly what she needed for him to do, remember exactly how much they'd wanted each other. It had been really important at the time that they didn't let each other go, now it made sense why they'd thought that. "You've been under for 2 years?"

"Yep, almost." It was only a few days away from the 2-year mark, but it was enough that she didn't immediately want to say a straight two years. She then looked at Kieran who was 15-months old, a little older than would be expected, and she felt like she needed to explain that. "Kieran was born 6 weeks early, but he was healthy. He was only in the NICU for five days."

"But, you're back now?" King said hopefully, and Merri smiled widely as she realised the hope was there for her being back with him. She didn't know what she was going to do now, but she did know that whatever it was she wasn't going to be leaving New Orleans to do it. This was where she wanted to stay.

"The case is over, we got the guys so I'm here for good." She grinned and looked around the kitchen, feeling more at home than she had felt anywhere since she'd left. This was where she needed to be, and this was where she wanted to raise her son. It was the only place she called her home.

"Are you coming back to NCIS?" That was less hopeful, and Merri wondered if he was thinking of the danger too. She didn't want to risk doing anything that might leave Kieran without his mother, so she was wondering if she should maybe be thinking about another career or something that she could do that wouldn't have her in harm's way all the time.

"I don't know. I think I want to spend some time with Kieran where I'm not always looking over my shoulder. Where I'm not afraid all the time that we're going to be killed in the morning." The constant fear had been the worst part of being undercover for so long. She'd always hated being an undercover agent, but she had been the logical choice.

"It's done for good?" King looked worried for a moment, and Merri didn't know if it was worry about how she'd had to live or if it was worry that she might have to go away again and start doing that again. She had made the FBI swear that they would leave her out of any future investigations, and for right now she was living on her payoff from that.

"Yep. Done for good and now I'd really like for Kieran to get to know you, and for you to get to know him." They both deserved that, but she knew that after been left hanging for so long there was a good chance that King wouldn't actually want to have to see her all that often, so she wanted to give him the choice. "You don't have to even see me, we can do it through Loretta or the others if you'd rather not but I just don't want…"

"Merri, shut up." King said insistently then leant forward and kissed her deeply, she felt him putting in two years of emotion into it, and she couldn't help but return it until she ran out of air in her lungs and she pulled back slowly, just smiling as he looked at her. "I have been waiting 2 years to do that again."

"Really?" She couldn't quite believe that and she didn't know why. In all the time she'd known him he'd only ever spoken about his wife, and as far as she knew he hadn't dated. Their night had come in the midst of insanely high emotions, and she'd written it off to that, so she'd never thought that he might have had feelings for her beyond flirty friends.

"I never stopped searching for you Merri. Now we have the chance to be a family." He smiled and stroked Kieran's cheek, who had clearly decided that his mum's friend was a good person, or maybe Kieran remembered all the photos she'd shown him over the months. "I never expected to have any other children. You gonna come to daddy, bud?" King clapped his hand for Kieran to go to him, and Merri smiled as Kieran leant over and she finally got a break from holding him. "We can work everything out in time, right now I'm just glad you're back."

Watching them felt like a dream, and she hoped that it wasn't going to be one she woke from to find herself in that dingy apartment in Manhatten. "I love you, King." The words slipped out, and for the first time in her life she didn't actually regret saying them first. Normally she avoided them, but it seemed appropriate that she be the one to break that barrier this time.

"You gonna tell me the story?" King asked as he leant back just to spend a moment with Kieran, and Merri took the opportunity to gather herself back together, especially as now she needed to decide if she told him everything or if she said the sanitised version the FBI wanted her to say. Given who he was, she was saying the whole thing.

"It's kind of long, and I'll need to start at the beginning." The only way he could truly understand would be if he knew the details right from the day she left after their night together. It was a long story, but it was important that she set it up entirely.

"Well, everyone has a day off, we have all day." He wasn't pushing, but he was letting her know that if she needed to talk, to unburden herself, they had plenty of time before anyone else would be turning up to work for them to talk. She really did want to talk about everything that she'd been through in the last year.

"Remind me to have you officially read in later." She smiled then sat down just watching King with their son and knew that coming clean with everything that had happened in the last two years so he would know everything about it. Merri hadn't thought about it all in so long, but she knew for a fact that this was exactly what they would both need if they were going to move on for this. Watching her son and his father she just smiled then took a breath, starting from the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Here we go, Merri starts telling her story! Thanks for reading so far.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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She was barely 12 hours out of New Orleans when she felt the familiar feeling of being followed. Over the last few days, she'd gotten used to constantly watching her back. Honestly, she'd hoped that since she'd killed Russo she'd have a chance to relax. Clearly that wasn't going to happen, as she was already having to look behind her. Maybe she was just being overly paranoid, or maybe she just knew the signs of being stalked.

That feeling continued, and Merri had no idea what to do with it, though after a few hours she zeroed in on who it was that was following her. He had the air of an agent, but knowing how many other agents felt about her right now that didn't actually make her feel better about it. As she walked back to her hotel she waited for him to get a little too close, then span and pinned him to a wall a little before they had reached the door. "Why the hell have you been following me all day?"

"Calm down, I'm FBI." The man replied, as if that made everything OK. It wasn't at all OK that he'd been following her for hours, and it wasn't OK that the FBI was tracking her on leave. She was trying to get over all that Russo had done to her, she didn't need them reminding her constantly of what had happened. If he wanted to keep following her, he should give her a damn good reason why.

"I don't care if you're FBI. You're stalking me and, last time I checked, stalking is against the law." Merri couldn't actually keep the sarcasm out of her voice, and she didn't really regret that she was losing her temper about this. Because, right now, her safety was paramount. "If you don't want me to call the police and file a harassment suit… you better start talking. I need a real good reason." Damn, she was starting to talk like Chris.

"How about we start with giving you my name, Agent Brody." He almost whispered, clearly not wanting to announce who he was to the whole street. Merri was, somehow, not at all concerned about that. What she did care about was why he was interested in her. She felt like she couldn't escape for the mistake she'd made when she let Russo in. She knew it was a mistake, but she thought that she'd made up for it.

"You clearly know my name, and probably my entire career history I'm willing to bet." Did she sound bitter? Did it really matter if she did? She had a reason to be bitter about everything, though she knew that she couldn't go back and change anything, no matter ho much she wished that she could. It was making her more angry than she normally would be. "So, come on FBI? Who are you."

"In here." He demanded quietly, and Merri hesitated for a moment. She knew this movie and it didn't end well for her. "I'm not gonna rape you NCIS. This is a…. Sensitive topic. I would rather be somewhere secure." That managed to both unnerve and placate her all at once. She could but him wanting to be secure, but she needed to be sure of who he was before she actually went with him. Given that she still had him pinned to the wall, she wasn't going to let go. "My back left pocket. My badge." He said, and Merri decided that she'd treat him just like a suspect until then. She was very glad when his ID was exactly where he said it was, and even in this dim light she could tell it was legitimate. Seeing that she stepped back and let him go, but she didn't apologise to him for any of it.

"Alright FBI, show the way." She decided to stick to that as a shorthand for this agent, as it was more fitting for her general mood and how he introduced himself than the name on his ID. Once they were in the building he'd indicated she turned and looked at him, still more than a little angry about being followed. "Alright then, Special Agent Mark Davies, why were you following me?" She wasn't going to be able to believe anything he said to her until he had given her a real reason. "I wasn't working with Russo. Homeland already cleared me." That seemed an important thing to point out.

Stepping through the doorway she realised that this was a lot bigger than she'd thought, and it almost distracted her when Mark started to speak. "This is only tangentially related to what happened with DHS Agent Russo." He said, starting to direct her through a building that had more people in it than she would have expected. Right now, she was assuming they were all FBI, but she didn't really know. "You saw my badge, you know I'm on the anti-terror task force." She'd actually missed that detail, so she was glad he filled it in. As he'd said it more of a statement than a question, all she could think to do was nod in response. "We want you to pick up where Russo left off. Undercover, working with us."

"I can't do that." Merri shook her head vehemently. She couldn't even imagine how she was the appropriate choice for this assignment or how they expected her to just make the decision instantly. She was surely all wrong. Homeland had already cleared her of any involvement, so that had to preclude her, didn't it? "I'm not dirty, I've been cleared of all wrongdoing." This was a nightmare, a total nightmare and she couldn't see any assignment like this succeeding with her being cleared.

"Would you come into the office, with me?" He asked, still talking quietly which meant while he felt safe here, he wasn't completely safe. Maybe they weren't FBI after all. He was asking for her to trust him again, and that was easier said than done for her. She'd never trusted easily, she was even less trusting now. That hesitation clearly showed him that she wasn't sure yet. "Let me show you why I'm personally recommending you, and why you're be perfect to play this part in taking the cartel down." Mark was really pushing her patriotic buttons, the ones she had left anyway, and damn him it was working. "Come on NCIS, take this one chance."

"I'd have to talk to my director, only then will I consider signing on to this possible suicide mission." That was all that Merri could think of to reply to this insane idea. It felt like a suicide mission, even undercover, not many agents survived time working with the cartels. Though she did remember a statistic that female agents lived longer, but they often went through more harrowing things. She didn't really know what would happen, but given the chaos in her life maybe this was something that she could do to try and make up for the mistakes she'd made.

"I actually already ran the idea past Director Vance, but we can call him together if that would help you make up your mind." Mark assured her, and some part of Merri was still desperate to run away from even the idea of this, but she was fighting that part of herself and she knew that was all out of fear. Fear of the unknown future and fear that she'd lose what she'd started to build in New Orleans. Though what had happened the night before. The emotional fumble she'd had with King before she left, that could have already destroyed what she'd been building. She hoped not though, because at the time it had felt so perfectly right.

She shook herself off and shrugged then turned back to Mark and sighed. "OK, let's go FBI. If I can help I probably should at least know what I'm getting into." Merri wanted to know more about what she'd be expected to do if she accepted this assignment. She wasn't sure about a job that was quite so questionable, but it wasn't as though she'd never been undercover. She'd actually been quite good in her early assignments undercover, but she'd always preferred interrogation. After Russo, she wasn't actually entirely sure that she was good at anything at all.

"You know, NCIS, you could always call me Mark." The FBI agent teased her lightly, but Merri already knew that that wasn't going to happen easily. It was already more fun for her to just refer to him by the agency. She also noticed that he had started calling her y her agency too, so she didn't see either of them swapping designations any time soon. Not that that was a problem, especially if they were then going to end up partners while working undercover. His shiftiness made her think that he was also going to be going under in this assignment.

"I think I like calling you FBI." She grinned back, feeling a little better about this given how easy the banter had started, but she still wasn't sure she liked the idea of any of this. While Merri didn't like it, she knew she may as well do anything that she could to help the people who wanted to stop this, as she'd wanted to when she learnt that Russo was dirty. Names were just going to be another way they got close, and she wasn't ready for that. "Besides, you're calling me NCIS and I think that that is a sign we should stick to the agencies." He then pulled her, suddenly out of a doorway and into an alley which had one of the most wrecked cars she'd ever seen still driving. "Wanna explain the car?"

"When we get there, come on NCIS." Mark went and got in the drivers' side without a second thought, and for a moment Merri wasn't actually sure how they were supposed to drive this thing, she wasn't sure it would run. But she went around to the passenger side and slid in, hoping that she was wrong about the car. Merri found herself thankful that Mark fell silent on the drive, and she didn't have to try and carry a conversation. She needed to focus on making a decision while she thought about whether or not she wanted to get involved with this or not.

It was going to break her family in New Orleans. She was essentially going to have to disappear, only speak to them on rare occasions and pretend that she was happy wherever she was next. That was the hardest thing to reconcile against what she thought would be for the best. She was almost startled when the car came to a stop outside of an apartment complex, and Mark turned slowly into an underground structure before parking and then followed him, still silently, through to the elevators. She recognised the signs of this building being a cleverly disguised base for an agency, though that wouldn't be obvious to someone who didn't do this job for a living

"You still with me, NCIS?" She heard, and realised that Mark had come to an almost complete stop a few steps ahead of her. Looking around she took a breath then stepped up beside him, nodding as she did to show she was still there. "This is what we're using as a base right now, though we're moving north soon." He smiled and greeted people as they walked past, all of them going to a different place, doing a different job. Now these definitely were all FBI. "So, come through while we get Vance on the line."

"Alright." She replied, following him into the apartment that was obviously serving as a main office. When he shut the door to a bedroom that wasn't a bedroom off to one side she dropped into a chair and lowered her head to her hands. How did this always end up happening to her? "I still don't know if I'm going to do this." She wanted to make it clear that her being there was not a sign that she was going to agree to be part of this insane group of lunatics. She was sure, however, that if they'd already run the idea by Vance that this was something extremely important.

"OK, so I'll give you the rest of the information you asked for while we wait. I'm in deep cover as a dirty agent, I've been under almost three years, but I've only gotten high in the organisation in the last few months." Mark sounded like he knew what was going on with all of this, but she didn't understand still what this had to do with Russo, or what it had to do with her. Clearly that showed on her face and Mark handed her a file. Her file. "I'd been advising Homeland about a leak for weeks, but until you worked it out I didn't even consider it being John Russo. How'd you work that out, by the way?"

As if she was going to start telling him all about what had happened between her and Russo. It had been hard enough to tell her closest friends, but they'd needed to know. Mark didn't and reliving it was far more traumatic than she liked to admit. "It was, well… It was personal." That was the best way to describe it and all she was going to say about it. He might want to know more, he might want to know the details but she wasn't going to be able to give them to him. She made sure to give him a glare that implied that asking would be a grave mistake.

"Alright NCIS, you leave it there." He held a hand up, clearly deciding that pushing her wasn't going to do anything but make her more hostile toward him. That likely wasn't going to be what he needed, especially since it was clear he wanted her to work for him. "Anyway, after that I realised that they'd be looking for someone new, and that you have a perfect reason to turn." Alright, she clearly didn't need to tell him what had happened. He knew she'd slept with John, probably from the ambiguous gaps in the reports, but he wasn't going to force her to say that. "Given that, and knowing from pretty much everyone who ever met you that you weren't that kind of person, I hoped I could convince you to join my task force."

"Like I said before, I'll need to talk to Director Vance before I make the choice." She didn't want to do anything without agency backing. She had done that one too many times before. She had to admit, the more she thought about it the more attractive taking down the people Russo had worked for was becoming, and it would be a nice way to close this all up for her. But she was still torn about the fact it would probably mean leaving New Orleans, and about the fact that it could be either the best or worst decision ever given her current situation with her boss. They needed time to work it out.

"Mark, Director Vance and Agent Gibbs on the monitor." Merri didn't know who had spoken, as her back was to the door, and she didn't really care about who it was right now either. All she cared about was that she could get opinions on what she should do next. Especially if Gibbs was with Vance. Gibbs was a great friend, and someone she could always count on for the best advice. He was also the person who had taught her what it meant to be undercover.

"I'll pick it up in here, Gina. Thank you." Mark replied to the mysterious body behind the door then set up the computer, automatically connecting it to where Gibbs and Vance were stood, both looking more concerned than she would have expected if this was to be a voluntary assignment. She didn't like seeing that look on anyone's face, and she didn't like thinking that possibly she would be made to do this, even against her better judgement and clearly the thoughts of her superiors.

"Special Agent Brody, are you OK?" Vance spoke first, but Merri just sat looking between him and Gibbs for a moment then nodded. It had taken that to break her out of her thoughts, that was actually something of a blessing, as was seeing Gibbs stood to one side of him. It made her feel even more like NCIS actually had her back. She nodded again, with a little more conviction this time, hoping that that would show them that she was fine, and that even though she was feeling more than a little overwhelmed about this she was doing OK. "Has Agent Davies filled you in."

Mark came further forward and nodded over her shoulder this time. "I have, sir. I don't think she's sold on the idea yet. Mark's eye-roll just made her want to elbow him in the ribs, hard. Instead she just turned and glared at him for a few seconds. It wasn't that she wasn't sold, it was that she still didn't understand why it had to be her. Why couldn't it be someone who enjoyed doing undercover things like this. Couldn't it have been Sonja, she'd have loved this.

"It's not that, it's really not. I just hate being in the position where I might have to be undercover. I've never really been comfortable with it." She'd met Gibbs undercover, but that seemed like a lifetime ago. She didn't even look at Gibbs at that point, knowing that he'd say something about it if he was given the opportunity. Probably taking the opportunity to remind her that they took down Lugo, and that they had saved countless people in the process. She wouldn't even argue that, but it had been 13 years ago. A lot had changed since then.

"How about we go through it, step by step, explain why it has to be you. Vance and agent Gibbs can fill in the blanks." Mark started, and Merri knew she needed to hear it all. Maybe this was the way that it needed to be. She needed it to be spelled out by people she already trusted so that she would agree to it. If that was how it had to happen, then she'd listen. She did want to help, that was the truth, she just really wished that there was another way she could.


	3. Chapter 3

_**I hope people are still enjoying this one. I honestly won't be focusing hugely on the case, as this is more about the emotional toll it takes on Merri (and the pertinent details will come out in the second act (chapter 8 onwards)).**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

* * *

Three days after she finally gave in to doing this stint undercover and Merri was already on her way up to New York. At first she hadn't realised that she would definitely need to move again. She'd suspected it, but she'd secretly hoped that she wouldn't actually have to move. But in the end it was all she could do, nobody in New Orleans would have bought she'd turned the way that people needed to believe she had for this operation to actually work. However the fact she was moving again did have her feeling more than a little maudlin, and that had lead her to being almost silent on the flight and the drive today. Mark had left her to silence, but now clearly he felt she should speak. "You thinking there, NCIS?"

"Yeah FBI? Oh, I'm just being thankful that my mother didn't ask too many questions when I asked her to go pack up my house." Olivia Brody had the ability to sense when Merri actually couldn't talk about something versus when she just didn't want too. That had made Olivia that best option because she wasn't going to keep asking when Merri made it clear that she couldn't. Then she'd dropped the 'classified' word, and Olivia understood that, possibly better than anyone else. "She's just worried that I'm gonna get hurt again."

"Not gonna let that happen, too many people have been hurt on this op already." One thing Merri had learnt about Mark so far was that he was diligent about keeping up with the safety of his agents, and he kept apologising to her that he hadn't suspected Russo before he'd ended up in New Orleans, and then that Russo had made things difficult for her. Thinking about that, her hand went up to the slowly healing cut just above her eye subconsciously. Thinking about Russo and the havoc he called always made her do that, and there was going to be a small scar there, she knew that, and it would always be a reminder. "You'll be able to go back to New Orleans when this is all over. It's not like you're gone forever."

"I know, it's really just an interpersonal thing. I'm concerned about how my team is going to take this… All of this." She sighed softly and tried to stop Pride's face from flashing in front of her face. They'd taken that step forward and now she'd walked away from that potential future already. Even if she did go back, she was fairly sure that anything that was there would not be whenever she was finally cut loose. He was going to blame himself for her leaving, and she hated that she couldn't stop that.

"You got close to someone?" the question was innocent enough, but Merri knew that it could be a potential minefield that she was not in the least prepared for. At least she could answer as though she and Pride were just friends, nothing more. Nobody needed to know about that night. That was private, just for them. It was also far easier to talk about than the complicated mess of a personal life she was leaving behind in New Orleans, even though it hurt.

"My boss. Well…" She trailed off and thought for a second as they idled through the New York traffic. "Really it was everyone, we were a very close team, but particularly my boss." That was going to need an explanation and Merri found herself missing him more than she would have thought she would given that she'd only seen them 4 days ago. Most of all it was not knowing if she would actually see them again. "My boss, Pride, and I… We were partnered up for the last year, well, little over a year. People always get close with their partners."

There was a knowing nod at that, and it told her that Mark had been where she was. Probably not exactly the same as her, but similar enough. She wasn't really surprised by it either, she was fairly certain that almost everyone in their profession had a story about the partner they had gotten too close to. "You know, if we send NCIS word they can read him in…" Mark's comment reminded her that Gibbs had offered to go and tell Pride in person if she'd wanted for him too. But she somehow thought that would probably make it even more difficult for everyone. This way, at least, maybe she could just fade to a memory. It would be easier on her friends that way.

"Nah, I still stand by this being the best way. I have ten days before I need to figure out what I'm gonna say to him." That was something she still had to think through. She didn't want anyone to worry about her, in truth she didn't deserve that anyway, but in another she didn't want to lie to her friends. One or both was going to happen though, she couldn't help that but she wanted too. Now she was officially a temporary FBI agent she needed to focus on that, not on the friends she'd left behind.

"We'll be embedded in ten days." Mark countered, and Merri had to admit that that was going to be a problem if she couldn't escape while she called him. But Merri still knew that she needed to do this, it was really all she could do. She knew that here there was a bank account and apartment in her name, so she would at least have her own space some of the time. That what she needed for this. Suddenly, all she wanted right that moment was to call this off but she was committed to it. Seeing her face Mark sighed then shrugged. "I'll try and cover you so you can get some time. The first couple of weeks they'll want someone on you all the time. They won't leave you alone. After about a month you should be free again." That sounded a little intense, and possibly slightly more than she'd signed up for. She didn't know how to get around that either.

"I'm gonna have to find a way to call him FBI." She knew that she would have to, because if she didn't he would have the team trying to find her. If she just didn't turn up it would set all his alarm bells off. That wouldn't help anyone, least of all their operation. "If I don't call him, he'll take it on himself to try and save me, even if I don't need saving." It was one of the things she loved about King, but it was one of his more annoying qualities.

"I'll try and take your induction, I think the boss will give it to me anyway, since you're an agent. You won't have to hide anything from me." That would be helpful, but Merri couldn't deny that she still wasn't sure she could completely trust him. Though she was fairly sure right now that was more paranoia than actual evidence based reasoning. She also had to admit, in a way it would make her feel more protected too. For a moment she wondered if he'd done it before, and if they would actually let him do it given who she was to them. From every report she'd read, Russo had been the ringleader of more than just the group in New Orleans, and her connection to him made her a high priority acquisition. Both as an agent Russo 'turned' and as the person who had taken him out.

Mark just fell silent at that point, and Merri was relieved for the break. She had questions but she didn't want to ask them. Not yet. When they arrive in Manhatten she had a full day to settle in to her apartment and the surrounding area. She loved living in cities, but this city involved far too much touching for her preference. After that she was taken in to her new place of work. The team she was working with were all counter-terrorism, and she knew that they were all aware that she and Mark were undercover, partially, as dirty agents. She was more than a little relieved that her cover in this case was actually being herself. She would be able to continue doing her job and saving people though this. She was also well aware from her briefings that most of her job within Russo's organisation was to observe and act as a witness for Mark, as they hoped the trust she brought with her would help her raise faster.

That evening Mark signalled her and she knew the time had come for her to go and meet the boss, and that was a mildly terrifying thought. When they arrived at the base Merri noticed that people were reacting to seeing her there one of two ways. Either they were angry and fearful, or they were fearful and respectful. That fear seemed to exist regardless of who was looking at her. She just ignored all of them, focusing on the destination and on following Mark without getting herself lost. This was her first test, and she was sure she was ready for it. "I brought Brody in, just like you wanted." Mark said as they ducked through a nondescript door that was slammed behind them almost immediately. It was around the size of a small garage, and Merri's quick look around showed her there was someone badly cleaning weapons in one corner, and someone else building a fake bomb in another. As she was looking around the boss stood up and started circling her at a short distance.

"Well, she's very pretty, isn't she?" The question was asked to the room at large, so she didn't feel like she should reply. This was a deeply uncomfortable experience, but she knew she just had to stand through it waiting for the next move. She wouldn't have to wait long, luckily. "I can see why John decided to try and keep this one around." That made her shudder internally and increased her level of discomfort but she still waited, not wanting to do anything that would hurt her appearance. "So, Special Agent Meredith Brody, why did you kill him?"

"Was him or me. I have no plans on being deceased." It was a glib and sarcastic comment, but any realistic answer would likely end in exactly what she was claiming to avoid. "NCIS were seconds away from breaking his cover and he knew he was done. I wasn't letting him take me down with him." That bit was true in it's entirety, just not for the reasons they were thinking. Merri wasn't stupid, in fact she was the opposite, and she knew what she needed to do to keep herself alive in any situation. That wasn't going to change just because she was being treated like a piece of cattle. All that mattered to her, right now, was making sure that she was believed.

It seemed to have worked, too. At least that was her read of the situation and the toothy, leering smile she was given by the boss. With that evidence she was willing to believe that she had broken through the first boundary, at least. "You're going to be a feisty one, I can tell." He chuckled then turned away and turned his attention on Mark instead. "Davies, you gonna take her as yours?" That was odd phrasing, and something about it put Merri's alarm bells on high. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was that was triggering her fight or flight response, so she made a mental not to ask Mark about that later.

For his part, Mark seemed to notice her discomfort and put a hand on her shoulder. Giving it a gentle squeeze. Merri wasn't going to pretend that she wasn't a little grateful he was taking the attention off of her for a moment, but if pressed she would make it about trust, and the fact she trusted Mark and she didn't trust any of the rest of them yet. "I'll take her, yes. She needs to be broken in as an agent, not an operative." Theoretically, she knew what that meant. But in this context she really had no idea. They were just designations in yet another world she knew nothing about but was about to be thrown into headfirst.

"You're right, of course. Let her work with you on access." She was already being given a task? That surprised her, but she did remember that Mark had said they wouldn't let her be alone much. So putting her on something that Mark was meant to be doing was probably a part of that. At least it was someone she could trust to a point. The boss, who's name she still didn't know, looked like he still had more to say. "Oh Mark, if she isn't what you think, terminate her. If she is, bring her to my birthday party in two weeks."

Mark seemed to freeze for a moment, as did all the others around. It seemed as though nobody expected for him to invite her to that gathering. She wondered why it was such a surprise to them and why she was invited to begin with, but she was fairly sure that she wasn't in the place to ask yet. Thankfully, at least in her opinion, one of the others was puzzled enough that they did open their mouth. "Boss, are you sure? You don't know her at all." It was a good point, and Merri actually agreed with the young man who had said it. At first, she wasn't going to say anything, then she realised that these people may need or want her to show more backbone, as she was meant to be a kick ass agent their former boss had personally turned to the other side.

"You claiming that I'm untrustworthy?" She snapped, hoping that it was sudden enough that she got the attention of everyone in the room. "John said you weren't the most loyal of groups, but I think he had higher hopes than… this." She channelled all the derision she felt of John Russo and his ilk into this, even though it was really the exact opposite of how she felt. She then started pacing this time as she spoke, and she was glad to see the boss hold up his hand, showing she was to be allowed to speak. "This is a sorry organisation, and if you want that to explode when you want it to you need to properly insert the trigger pin." She growled at the bomb maker in his corner, she then stalked over to the other and tried to speak sweetly, but she was fairly sure it didn't come out sweetly. "And you, learn to clean your weapons properly. I can give you a masterclass if you'd like?" Keeping the tone of her voice this long was hard, but as she looked at the boss she didn't have to fake anything. "Then there's you, trying to be the big bad boss, but all you are is a schoolyard bully. I give you a C-, try harder next time."

There was silence, until the booming laughter of the boss filled the room. "See, I knew she would be good. John wouldn't have sent us someone poor." The boss laughed again, and Merri was certain that that laughter reverberated on her bones. "I like you already, and you spotted both my plants. Well done." That seemed like a ringing endorsement to her, and she slid back behind Mark, trying to show the appropriate amount of deference given that she'd just had an outburst. "She'll fit right in. See to it Davies, she's on your FBI team?"

"She is. I'll take her now and show her how things are done here." Merri just nodded, not planning on saying anything more unless she was prompted to do so. Mark was already pushing her backwards toward the door as he spoke again. "Thank you, Mr. Landry." So that was the boss' name. She was going to remember that. Then Mark swiftly pulled her back out and lead her back through the building to his car. Only once they were safely inside did he speak. "Now I know you're an interrogator. I thought he was going to shoot you. It was quite the performance."

"Thanks. I just don't like being undercover. I'm actually very good at it." That hadn't meant that she wanted to follow it long term, but it seemed like the universe was conspiring against her on that point. "It is like an interrogation, in some ways. You have to figure out what will get you the best results and learn the lines so that you don't overdo it." That had been one of the hardest things to learn about interrogation, but it translated so well to almost every other facet of her life.

"You really are one of NCIS' best interrogators, aren't you?" At Mark's question she turned to him and glared a little, not really knowing what he meant by that before he laughed. "I thought Vance may have just been saying it to convince me to take you on." Mark continued to tease, and she knew it was that as he'd already told her that it was his idea to bring her aboard this suicide mission. She wasn't really looking to her next performance though, but she'd have to give it. At least it looked as though she had two weeks to adjust. It was time she needed.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Well, things can never just be easy, can they.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

* * *

Merri had thought she was prepared for this after ten days, but she clearly hadn't taken into account how painful calling Pride was going to be. She didn't know how he was going to take it, but she only had a small window in which to call him and that was making her desire to procrastinate higher, and therefore making the call more difficult. Picking up her phone she scrolled through the contacts list and hovered her thumb over his name before she hit the button to connect. When he picked up he sounded cheerful, and she hurt herself remembering that she was about to end that. "Merri, where are you?"

"Dwayne…" She had to pause to give herself time to think through. She didn't want to say what she knew she had to say. "I'm not coming back right now." Merri managed to get the words out, but the tears that were threatening to fall told her that she wasn't going to cope with this as well as she'd have liked. "I left the city, the job. But I'm going to miss you… All of you. Not the job so much." Merri already missed her team, but she really didn't miss the job. Mostly because she was still doing part of that.

"Is this about what happened before you left for Florida?" She heard the change in his voice, realising he'd probably stepped into his room so that they could talk alone. The memory of what they'd done in that bed gave her a warm feeling, and she didn't think she'd ever regret that moment. It had been exactly what she needed, with the one man she knew wouldn't ever hurt her. "Because if it is, we can pretend it didn't happen. Move on and go back to how we used to be."

"No. That was… That was perfect. It was my main argument for staying there." He had been her argument for staying, for passing all of this, but given the stakes it wasn't even a choice, though she knew she was stopping herself from something she truly wanted. "Remember how I told you that I'd be okay?" She hoped that he did, hoped that he remembered them knowing exactly what the other was thinking, because that had been the moment that had lead to them spending their evening together.

She didn't have to be good at her voice to hear the sadness and hesitation in his voice as he spoke again. "Yes." It was simple, to the point, but she wanted to know exactly what he was thinking. She hated that she was causing this pain to him, especially since she knew he'd already feel like he should have checked up on her more. The only person she'd heard from was Sebastian, and she had kept everything purposefully vague when it came to what she was doing now.

"I'm trying to be okay again. I just need closure… On a lot of things." That wasn't even her stretching the truth. That was her admitting to the problems that had led her to Russo so easily to begin with. Though she'd thought she wanted to become a memory to her friends, now she was in this moment she was terrified they'd forget all about her. "Please don't forget me, OK?" It was a simple request, and of all the people she'd known in her life Pride was the one least likely to let her fade from his mind.

"Never, Merri." His tone turned soft for a moment, and she wondered if he was missing her half as much as she missed him. She swallowed a breath she hadn't even realised that she was holding and allowed herself to think past this conversation. Hearing him confirm that he wouldn't forget her made her feel a lot better about it all, though she was still missing him deeply. She didn't even realise the tears had started falling until she felt her shirt starting to dampen on her chest. "Merri, I love you, and I do miss you."

"Me too, Dwayne." She couldn't say the words like she wanted to knowing that Mark was in the next room. Merri hoped he wasn't eavesdropping, but she couldn't guarantee that. How she wished she could say it though, that she could tell him that she loved him too. It would have made it seem more like she wasn't giving up on them. "I promise to keep in touch as best I can." That was pretty much all she could promise, and at that moment, she regretted all the life choices that had brought her there. She wanted to promise him more, but that might give her away.

"I'll speak to you soon, Chris is shouting me." Pride sounded more than a little distressed that he couldn't stay and maybe talk her out of whatever he thought it was that she was going through at the moment. Of course, he wouldn't have succeeded, but he would have tried and she felt she would have let him. If only so she felt like he'd tried, and that he needed her back there.

"Tell them I'll miss them. Tell everyone, especially yourself." She needed for him to tell himself that she missed him, because she wasn't sure he'd believe it if he didn't. As the ended she just grabbed a pillowcase to stifle the sound of her sobs. There were some things that Mark didn't need to know, and the fact she was crying about this was one of them. As she calmed she realised that there was still one way she could tell him she'd be back. Grabbing her phone she typed in a very simple message. 'Save me a spark x'.

The response was almost instant, and Merri was not surprised that he didn't remember a passing comment about a song that she mentioned once while they were driving to a scene. It was something she could expect for him to work out, with guidance. 'What's that meant to mean?' His message read, and Merri didn't want to be too obvious with her hints. If there was someone monitoring her calls and texts it would tell them far too much about her relationship with her former boss.

'You'll figure it out x.' That was all she could say without it being too obvious, and she hoped that he'd figure it out soon. She wouldn't blame him if he thought that her implied question was asking too much. She was basically asking him to wait for her, even though she couldn't tell him when she'd be back. Not for certain, anyway. It was a long time, and a lot for her to hope for, but somehow she still hoped that he would.

'Always. We miss you x' She almost jumped out of her skin when she received that message, only a matter of minutes since sending her last one. She was amazed that he'd agreed to it, and she didn't really know what to think, but she was mostly just glad that he hadn't said no to her. That was a loss she wasn't sure she could have handled. It gave her the hope that, one day, they would have a chance and that she wasn't going to lose everything. She still had a chance.

That was what got her through her induction period, the party for the Boss' birthday, everything. After the party she was a full member, and she realised she was more trusted than many of the average members of the organisation. She was kept on a similar level to Mark, and he'd been working on this for over a year. That was clearly what her relationship, however brief, with John Russo was bringing to her. The problems started a little over six weeks into the assignment, She started feeling weak and sickly, with no obvious cause she was going to have no choice but to see a doctor. First though, she was going to have to talk to Mark. Following the next staff meeting, the next morning, she pulled him aside with a frown. "Hey, FBI, you got a minute?"

"Sure NCIS, what's up?" He looked mildly concerned, and she realised that this was the first time since they had met that she'd actually asked to speak to him. Normally she'd just follow him around and annoy him until they were alone, but she felt like this situation deserved a slightly more professional approach to it than she normally would give something. Given his question, she knew there was actually only one answer she could give, and that was the most truthful.

"Honestly, I don't know." She felt that that wasn't the best way to open a conversation about the fact she might actually be ill. She also didn't care about who overheard this. Maybe others would have an idea of what was wrong, because Merri didn't have a clue. "I'm sickly all the time, can't seem to stop feeling nauseous. I'm also always tired and feeling weak, I think I need to do and see a doctor."

"You pregnant, Brody?" Leanne asked, and Merri realised that she'd been listing her symptoms as they passed Leanne's desk, and given that the young agent had just returned from maternity leave, so she was possibly one that knew exactly what she was talking about. At Merri's look she shrugged and started explaining why she'd asked that. "The first signs I was pregnant were nausea and fatigue. Then came the super sore and heavy boobs." Yes, that would fit how she was feeling right now.

"Shit." She grumbled, and the mental string of expletives going through her mind were her only reply to that thought. Suddenly she felt a box being pushed into her hand, and a nod each from Mark and Leanne told her they were sure that she should at least take the test. She did just that, then slipped into the bathroom just the other side of Leanne's desk. Taking a deep breath she locked the door behind her and sat down. She had no idea what it would mean for the assignment if she was pregnant, or what would happen when it came to the baby. If there was a baby.

She sat there on the toilet, waiting for a result knowing that, logically, there were two potential fathers. Truthfully though, there was a far higher chance of one of them being the father than the other. She knew that she'd used protection with Russo, she similarly knew that she hadn't used any with King. That was a small comfort when the timer on her phone sounded and she had to pick up the stick and see whether Leanne was right or not. Once again, an impressive list of expletives jumped to her mind, and that would have told any of the people she knew the result of her test. Steeling herself as she washed her hands she turned back to the door and stepped out.

Sure enough, Mark and Leanne were sat waiting for her. She realised the look on her face gave it away when Mark stood up off the desk and came toward her. "Oh hell. How you doing with that news?" He asked, and really all Merri could do was stare at him for a second. She didn't know how she felt about it right now, and she knew it would need to be a decision the all had, because it affected them too. Mark squeezed her shoulder before she could shrug him off then nodded to the door. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"Thanks. I'll text you later." She said the latter to Leanne, hoping that at least she could get some tips about what to expect. This wasn't something she expected to happen, and kids had never really been a big part of her life plan. She'd always thought that she'd maybe, one day, have kids but she hadn't expected it nor had she planned for it. If she was truthful with herself, she thought any chance of it had gone when she and James had ended things. "How is this going to affect… you know… the case?" She brought it back to work, it was easier to think.

"I don't know. This is unexpected." Mark commented, and once again Merri just stared at him until he realised that he'd put his foot in it again. When he caught her look he did have the decency to at least look strickent. "Sorry, I just… You're embedded now, and it's harder to pull you out." That made sense, but she still wanted to know. Mark escorted her into the elevator then, after a second, stopped it moving and looked at her. "I have to ask, is it John's?" She knew why he wanted to know, and since she hadn't divulged her relationship, or whatever it was, that she'd had with Pride he'd have no reason to think that it wasn't Russo's baby.

"No, I don't think so." She felt the frown on her face at the idea, but even that aside, she still thought that it wasn't Russo's, it was there in her gut, and her gut was rarely wrong. This did mean that she was going to have to explain about her fling with King. As the elevator started moving again she frowned and pulled her phone out of her pocket, scrolling through the pictures until she found the one she was looking for. One of her and King, she thought from Mardi Gras, judging by the cut on his face, but she wasn't certain. After looking at it for a moment she handed it to Mark then sighed. "I'm fairly sure this is the father. It all happened around the same time, but with John I used protection and with him… I didn't." She wasn't proud of that, that she'd slept with two men within 24 hours. But the facts of it did mean that she believed Pride was the more likely candidate for father.

"If you want to continue the case, you would always be safe if they thought you were carrying John's child." Mark broached the subject carefully, and Merri had to think about that seriously for a second. She probably should stop her involvement with the case, Go home to New Orleans and raise her baby in safety with King. But she wanted to take these guys out, and Russo was their martyr. So she and the baby would be safe as long as they believed the baby was John's. She didn't know if anyone would ever sign off on that.

"Is that really going to be possible, FBI? Who would sign off on an op with a pregnant agent going undercover?" She knew that NCIS would have reservations even if she did pass it here, but they would defer to the FBI if it was signed off by someone involved in the investigation. She did want to stay on the case for as long as was possible, and pregnancy happened in all walks of life, so that could happen. Everyone seemed to know she'd slept with John, she actually had a feeling that he'd planned for that . "I want to get them FBI. The dad may not ever forgive me for it, but I'll live with it. We need to stop them destroying any more lives.

"Then I think I can make it work. A couple of the senior female agents have been looking for a test case." Somehow, Merri wasn't surprised by that. She knew there was a movement to allow pregnant agents to set their own boundaries around work through the pregnancy, rather than being automatically put on desk duty. Merri had never thought of herself as a test case, but if it meant she could stay on the case she'd do it. "Leave it with me. We'll work it out."

Merri just nodded at that, absolutely certain that Mark would get it all going. She was a little relieved that nobody had assumed that she'd be getting rid of the pregnancy. That was the last thing she wanted, because this baby was the last connection to her home. It was what would keep her connected to her family back there. She didn't realise until they came to mind exactly how much she missed them all. One day, she would take the baby back to New Orleans and introduce the baby to their father. The would both deserve that much at the very least.

"Thanks for being a great friend, Mark." Over the weeks since thy'd started this, she'd realised she could trust him as well as she could trust anyone. Together they would make sure there were no more Russo's out there to hurt people. If pretending her baby was his helped her in that endeavour, then it was all going to be worth it. Even if King was never going to speak to her again.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Sorry for the huge gap in posting everyone, I just got really busy with uni starting back up and forgot to post. I think I'll be posting every day now until the story is fully posted! Yey! I'm hoping to finish writing it tomorrow.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

* * *

Confirmation of her pregnancy and the fight Mark had to keep her included in the case took a few weeks when it all came about. In the time they spent fighting for it, she had continued working on the case anyway. She'd endeared herself to the boss by offering to give his operatives some firearm training. Most of them desperately needed it, it was also one of the few things she could do legally without getting immunity for her actions… Which was something she wouldn't have gotten until a determination had been made. Almost a full six weeks later she was sent an email from someone she didn't know. It was clearly another agent, and they went by the handle of B. Callahan. It was a simple, four word message, but it gave her an idea that Mark had won his fight. 'Don't mess this up.'

"Hey FBI." She called over the top of her cubicle, not knowing where he was but knowing that Mark would respond to his special nickname. She was worrying a little about the fact he hadn't come to speak to her yet, she would have expected him to have told her before she got an email from someone random. When he finally poked his head around the cubicle she pointed to the screen. "Who the hell is B. Callahan?" It seemed fair that she knew if the woman was going to email her, especially given the case that she was on as she needed it. "She, or he I guess, emailed me. Simple message, but enough that I wanted to ask."

"Oh, Beth. Beth is one of our senior agents. She's been the one arguing alongside me that you should be allowed to continue." Mark smiled a little as he read the message, then he pulled his phone out of his pocket. After a moment he just smiled wider and spoke. "You freaked my agent out, B." He laughed a little and the first response was inaudible to Merri, but she guessed that whatever it was, it happened to be positive. "Glad to know we won, wanna talk to her? Sure, I'm right with her." Mark grinned then handed the phone down to her and nodded.

"Agent Brody, congratulations." The voice on the other end was cheerful and far more heavily accented than Merri had expected. For some reason, Merri hadn't expected this person to be from somewhere else. "Congratulations, both for the baby and for making a perfect test case for us. Largely because if you screw it up we can blame it on you being from NCIS." There was another laugh and though she hadn't expected it, Merri found herself laughing along with her. She had the type of energy that she could imagine worked well with suspects. There was something about her that made you want to open up to her, even just over the phone.

"Thank you, very much. I'm really excited for the baby." Over the last six weeks that excitement had grown, though every thought was tinged with a little sadness, all of it for the fact she couldn't even tell King that he was going to be a father again. She wished she could but he was a long way away and she needed them all to think that the baby was Russo's. King was something she needed to keep close to the chest. "Also, thank you for keeping me on the case."

"I'm glad you could, the evidence we're getting from your wire is incredible, you are so often forgotten about in a room. Or course once we start to prosecute you'll be in more danger." It seemed that Callahan was trying to make sure that she was actually ready for this. Especially with a baby on the way. Somehow, without asking Merri got the feeling that Callahan might have some idea what she were going through.

"I know, but as soon as it's over I'm going home. Back to New Orleans. We'll be safe there." She wanted, desperately, to say they'd be safe with King and they'd be a family, but she wasn't sure whether she was going to reveal that to anyone but Mark yet. Merri then smiled a little and turned her chair back so she could look up at Mark and nod a little, showing that she knew that could still be a long way away. Dropping her free hand to the little bump she was already sporting she took a long, deep breath and tried to put it all out of her mind. Not thinking about her team was the only way she was getting through this.

"You'll do great, Brody, call me if you need any support. I've three kids and I had my third while I was undercover. I know what you're going through." Now, that was dedication to a job. Merri had to admit, if she already had kids she probably wouldn't have taken the assignment. Other than that though, Merri was well trained enough to know when she needed to move on. She handed the phone back to Mark and went back to typing up the last of her notes.

Today was a big day in general for her, if she was lucky she was going to see her baby and get a confirmation of her due date. Which meant she could start thinking about telling other people about the baby, though really, she only had her parents to tell, since she couldn't tell anyone else right now. She'd be able to show them with pictures too, hopefully. Mark had promised to drive her, as she still didn't like driving in New York. An hour before her appointment she shut things down and grabbed her bag, tapping Mark on the shoulder.

"Is it time already? Sorry boys and girls, I'm taxi-ing Merri around this afternoon." Mark teased and shut his file before he stood up and grabbed his things from his desk behind the conference table he'd been sitting at. As soon as they were down to his car he sighed and kicked the wheel angrily. "Thanks for rescuing me NCIS. They were talking about reducing our budget again." Mark sighed again, louder, then just got into the driver's side. Merri paused for a before she got in on the other side. "I lost my family for this famn case. The least they could do is let us finish the job we started."

"You lost your family?" She asked, not actually knowing anything at all about her partner on this assignment. He made her look as though she was the most open person on the planet, and anyone who had ever met her knew how unlikely that was. He hid so much of himself away, and she didn't blame him for that. So, right now she was a little surprised he'd said anything at all. "I'm sorry, that was stupid. I understand a little about that."

"Yeah. They left, or my wife did, because she hates who I become when I go undercover. Took our kids with her." As he started driving he pulled a picture out of his glove compartment and handed it to her. "My wife, Sophie, and our kids." There were five little ones in the picture. Merri never would have thought he'd be the type to have more than a couple of kids. Obviously that was how he'd known a good OB to recommend her. "I hoped she could make it through one last case. I haven't seen any of them in over a year now."

"They live in the city." She questioned again, even though she knew that the answer to that was presumably a negative. That's when she realised that she was asking really very dumb questions. "Sorry, another stupid question." It was and she regretted asking it. Mark, at least, didn't seem to hold it against her. Given that he was just as good at putting his foot in it, he really had to give her the pass. "You'll be able to see them after the case though, right."

Mark's only response to that was to shrug, but Merri remembered that look from when King and Linda split. It wasn't a hopeful expression. He shook his head a few times, then when he started to speak again he was back to being Special Agent Mark Davies. "You know, you have blown the case wide open. In three months you got more than I did in over a year. We might only need a few months on it. We've confirmed this is the top of the chain. Thanks to your ability to disappear in plain sight your wire has caught conversations even I couldn't imagine were going on." She knew that was going to be helpful when she signed on, just maybe not this helpful.

"It came in handy in high school." She joked, trying to deflect the praise as that had never been anything she was comfortable in receiving. Merri did try to not to show her acceptance of the compliment as well. It appeared that getting inside the organisation had been easier than anyone imagined for her, but Merri would be even safer yet more cautious now. This baby was more important to her than anything, and she would back out if it came to it. "I'm in this as long as I can be FBI. You don't get rid of me that easily. Not without a fight." What happened was what happened, her decision was final.

"NCIS… It'll be different when that kid comes. You won't know how you really feel until they're here in your arms." That seemed like advice she would have gotten from King, and she felt the familiar stab of pain that came when she thought about her family back in Louisiana. "I loved being a father, greatest joy in the world. You'll be a great mom, Merri." He smiled over at her as they pulled up outside the clinic and she grabbed her bag again, suddenly feeling self conscious about everything, especially being a parent. "Want me to wait?"

"I'll get the subway home, thanks." His offer was very kind, but she needed time to process all of this information, then she wanted to call her mother. She handed Mark his picture back and squeezed his arm as she did. She wanted him to know that she was there for whatever he needed. She then got out of the car and headed into the clinic. After being checked in, she was handed a form and chart to fill in. As she did she made a conscious choice to leave out the father's details. She knew her due date already, and her date of conception, and she was fairly sure that she'd filled all this out once before. The worst part of any appointment was when she was waiting around. It gave her time to think and historically that was not good for her.

"Meredith Brody!" The voice eventually called and Merri stood up, her mind still wandering as she started to traverse the waiting room. She kept her hands hidden away, like many of those she'd seen in there while she'd been waiting. It was interesting to her that those who were alone and unmarried were stilled embarrassed to come to these appointments, despite the decades of progress, though now it seemed to be about the inability to prevent it. Stepping through into the exam room she smiled and slid her jacket off before looking up. "I'm Doctor Abigail Cartland, the senior OB here, this is my practice."

"I would have been fine with the resident, really." Merri smiled, she hadn't really expected to get the senior, though since Mark had set it up he had possible explained a little more about why she was possibly a special case. Remembering a note on the chart she'd filled in about mentioning things when she arrived that she thought would be relevant, she took a breath and nodded to herself. "I wanted to just mention that the women in my family have a history of delivering early. My sister and I arrived at 32 weeks, my cousins and other relatives tended to average their delivery at around 34.

The doctor nodded as she started to mark things down on her set of notes then gave a reassuring smile. Merri guessed that she was about the same age as her mother, with a kindly face and a gentle attitude. "I'll mark that in your notes. I added you on my list as a favour to Mark. He said you were one of his agents, and that you'd only just moved to New York?" It was both a question and not a question, and Merri wondered if her new doctor was concerned that she might have been stationed where she could have been exposed to the Zika virus or something similarly nasty. If she had have been, she would have been a lot more concerned.

"I am, I just transferred up from Louisiana, three months ago." She left it vague like that. As she didn't need to talk about it right now. Not when she was already sad she was doing this without King. She was just going to refuse to talk about the father pat very general descriptions and statements. "This kind of thing is one of my specialities. The counter-terror stuff, not the unexpected pregnancy stuff. That is a wholly new experience for me."

"That is how I find it is for a lot of my first-time moms." Cartland smiled, and the compassion really helped Merri feel a little more at ease in this extremely strange situation. She still felt like everyone else was judging her for this though, that was something she couldn't shake. The fact that everyone here needed to believe her baby was the child of a traitor meant she didn't expect to get that warm a welcome in most places. This doctor was making her hope that people would, occasionally, just let her get on with her life. "Want to get up on the bed, we can see how the little lump is doing. Your chart says your due date is February 10th, so you're about 14 weeks along."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I conceived around May 20th, or thereabouts." Merri could remember both acts clearly in her mind. She was so sure that this baby was part of King too, that was the one she preferred to think about too. Picking up her bag she climbed up onto the bed and looked at the ultrasound machine, then down to her stomach. Lifting up her shirt she allowed Doctor Cartland to sort things out as she needed and smiled as the OB then sat down and pulled the wand out. Warning her that the gel would be cold, Merri bit her lip and closed her eyes until she heard the steady thrum of the heartbeat. At that point she opened her eyes and looked at the flexing little thing on the screen. "Is that the baby?"

"Yes it is. They're the perfect size for 14 weeks. Well done mommy, keep doing what you're doing." Merri was thrilled that the baby was alright, and that she would eventually be able to meet this baby soon. "If you want to know the sex you'll have to wait for junior to cook a little longer." There was a smile on the doctor's face too as she took the measurements. "Otherwise, this little one is totally healthy, good movement too. Do you want a copy of the images?" Cartland paused, giving Merri time to think before she replied.

Did she want pictures, she definitely did. A set for her, a set for her parents… and she wanted a set for King, even if she couldn't give it to him any time soon. "Three sets, please." She smiled again, even wider as she looked to the screen and the image of the tiny little thing that was living inside of her. She felt the tears starting to fall again, and she thought of how desperately she wished that King was there with them. That he even knew about the fact he was going to be a father again. It was killing her to not tell him, but she didn't want to make it more dangerous for him.

When they were done Merri spoke with the doctor then headed out, as soon as she was in the car she dialled her mom's number, certain that Olivia would be thrilled to know she was going to be a grandmother. Merri was pretty certain that Olivia and Paul had thought that their chances of that had ended when Emily had died, so in her own way, Merri was very excited to be able to tell them that she was having a child. "Meredith." The voice was concerned and a little anxious, Olivia had never really been one for small talk. But given what she'd said the last time that Meredith had called her, it was probably fair that she was more than a little anxious. "Are you okay?"

Merri, however, just smiled. Hearing Olivia's voice had picked her mood up immediately. There was something about being able to do something normal in regards to her pregnancy, even if that 'normal' was just telling her mother about it. "Mom. I just saw your grandchild for the first time, and it's… amazing." That was how Merri chose to reveal her pregnancy, and from the excited reaction Olivia gave her, it was exactly the right way to have done it.


	6. Chapter 6

_**OK. I fucked up posting. I had to reupload this chapter where it was MEANT to be, and the previous chapter is one before this.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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Being pregnant certainly changed a lot about Merri's role in the organisation. On top of that, it opened a few more doors for her. Every time she saw Mark, he told her they were getting closer and closer. The more her bump grew, the more they seemed to want to tell her. She made sure to keep herself healthy and to learn what was normal with her bump and what wasn't. Everything was ticking along as normal, then the day before her 20 week scan she had the surprise of her life. Her mother turned up on her doorstep. "Meredith! You didn't expect me to stay away the whole time you were pregnant, did you?"

"I somewhat hoped." She admitted before she stepped back to allow her mother across the threshold. This was going to be an interesting conversation, and situation for Olivia to step into. Merri knew that Olivia knew she was undercover, and that the assignment was both dangerous and ongoing. Olivia was also unlikely to hamper Merri's ability to do her job in this situation too. It just might make it harder for Merri to make it to meetings if she was having to mind her mother too. "You do recall that I'm on assignment, right?"

"I do, but I wanted to see you while I was in New York. Your father barely believes that you're actually pregnant." That didn't surprise Merri at all either. She had always stated her ambivalence toward having children, yet here she was. Alone and pregnant and doing something the most dangerous job that she possibly could be. As Olivia moved further in and around the small dining table, she just turned to look Merri over again with a smile. "Look at you. My little girl, having a baby of her own."

"And generally very grumpy about it." She grumbled, as she had learnt that she didn't really care for growing a small human inside of her. It had just become a constant cycle of dizziness and nausea. Some days she did think about what it would be like if she'd not continued the pregnancy. Then she'd look at her stomach and it had never really been in any serious doubt. Though, thinking about the road less travelled reminded her that she'd never told her mother her current address. "How did you know where I was living, mom?"

"I convinced the FBI director to read me in to your case. Is the father of my grandchild really a terrorist?" That was an awkward question, but Merri couldn't lie to her mother about it at all. She couldn't stick to the party line and tell her that Russo was the father when it was a lie, when she was so certain that he wasn't the father. It seemed like Olivia caught her pause and frowned at her. "You do know who the father is, don't you?"

"Yes, I know who it is and no, it's not John. I'm saying it is for our safety." "Please don't tell anyone, it could get me killed." She needed to push that, because no matter where she was in the world, if they knew she lied before the end of the case her team would lose their best chance to stop all of this from happening to anyone else. "Nobody knows who the real father is other than me, my partner knows it's not Russo, but that's pretty much it. He's seen a photo, but I never gave the name.

Olivia looked less than impressed at Merri's attempts at deflection. That made her want to tell her even less, but she knew that she really needed to actually let someone know who the father was. "Are you ever going to come out with it and tell me who it is then, or do I have to guess at all the men in your life. Because I will keep guessing until I get the right one." Of course she would. Merri knew that her mother was going to judge her severely for it, but in her own way Merri didn't actually regret that King was the father, nor would she go back and change it.

"It's… It's King. Agent Pride." She admitted, trying hard to act like she wasn't ashamed of it. Really, the only part she was ashamed of was that King was her boss, she wasn't ashamed that she had fallen in love with him, or that now she was carrying his baby. They were some of the only things that kept her going in the situation she was in right now. What she did regret, though, was that she couldn't tell him that he was going to be a father again and that they were going to be parents together. They did text every few days now, and they both always signed off with their personal acronym, 'smas'. It broke her heart that they weren't together, but this was an important thing that she was doing.

"I'm guessing that he doesn't know about the baby?" Olivia asked, clearly trying to sympathise with the situation and how Merri was feeling about it. It was also clear that she didn't quite understand and so wasn't able to get how Merri was feeling. Honestly, Merri wasn't sure that anyone was going to be able to truly understand, so the attempt by her mother was more than appreciated, and more than she'd expected. "I'll keep this to us and your dad until we get your OK. You're going to be a mother, Meredith." Olivia still seemed to be in a touch of disbelief about that.

"Thanks, mom. It's hard to believe, right?" She laughed softly, as most of the time she could hardly believe that any of this was real, or her life right now. She put her hand on her bump and smiled. "They're asleep right now, otherwise I'm sure they'd be kicking up a storm knowing that grandma came to visit." Merri really did have to pinch herself about this, and about the fact her parents were showing her the support she needed. Though, most of the time right now, the baby was able to remind her pretty well that this was real. She was still considering that when there was a loud rap at the door. She pushed her mother behind her and reached for the handgun she always kept to one side. "Who's there?"

"Dammit NCIS, let me in! It's pissing cold in this corridor." The voice and nickname made her laugh and as she opened the door Mark came through then paused. As he looked between Merri and her mother he realised he may have come in at an inopportune moment. "Am I interrupting something important?" He asked, looking a little concerned by him, and she wondered if he had the same thoughts about all of this as she did.

"No, Mark. This is my mom, Olivia. Mom this is my partner on this assignment. Mark Davies." This was a slightly more hurried and tense introduction than she would have planned, but she was happy enough that slowly the scowl on Olivia's face was lifting and she looked less angry. The last thing Merri needed was her mother deciding that her new partner didn't have her back. Merri then looked to Mark and nodded to her mother. "She's been read in, she's with DARPA." That was the only way to explain how well connected Olivia Brody was.

"Ah. Nice to meet you." Mark smiled at Olivia, then turned his attention and hiked a thumb over his shoulder. "We have to go to the thing." Mark nodded, shaking Olivia's hand but Merri knew that Mark was here for a specific reason. He needed to keep her on track and they were fairly sure that tonight's meeting was either going to tell them all the time-table to the next series of attacks or tell them the targets. Either way they would be halfway to having a done job.

"I'm coming. Mom, please stay. Come with me tomorrow. I am really happy you're here." She could honestly say that, which she hadn't been able to do for a very long time when it came to her mother. Now she felt like she needed her more than she ever had before, especially now that her parents would be the only ones who knew the true father of her child for a while. "Just please don't disappear. We'll hopefully find out if you're getting a grandson or granddaughter tomorrow."

"I wouldn't miss that for the world. Get going, Meredith, save the world." Olivia came and hugged her, then put a gentle hand onto the bump before Merri pulled her sweater on so she wouldn't get cold again. She then just followed Mark down to the car, hoping that her mother would keep her promise. Her mind wandered from her mother to the rest of her chosen family and how much she missed them. She distracted herself as she got in the car then just sat back.

"So, momma Brody decided to take a trip to visit, huh?" Mark asked, as he got into the car beside her. Merri just smiled and nodded, getting the feeling that he'd read the reports and testimony from the case they'd worked with her mother. More than once during that case, Chris had referred to her mother by that title. It had become an affectionate endearment that people had said often to her when asking about Olivia.

"She's in town for some kind of conference. I've long since learnt not to ask, it never ends well for me." Merri loved her mother deeply, even if she was constantly frustrated by her. She was a good mom, even though she and Emily had rarely made it easy for her. "But I'm happy with the timing, I was starting to feel a little isolated. Not being able to trust anyone but our little group. It's hard when you come from a tight knit team like I did back home."

"Have you ever noticed that even almost 5 months since you left you still call New Orleans 'home'? That's interesting to me." Mark seemed to think it was some inability of her's to let go, but Merri knew better. She knew that New Orleans was home because it was the first place she'd ever felt comfortable without Emily. King and his team had made her feel like she was needed and wanted, just the way she was. Broken, damaged and a little bit afraid. That was why she'd come to think of the city as home.

"It's no big mystery, I promise. The people I consider family are there." She stopped talking as they turned into the warehouse that was holding today's meeting. It wasn't good to talk about her friends when she was on her way there. She wanted to keep them as safe as she could, and for that she needed to have them in the back of her mind. Merri loved them all that much, and it was the easiest thing they could do.

She walked through the building, focusing on nobody in particular, and when they got comfortable she was stopped by the boss, who put his hand onto her stomach. "Meredith, how are you and our future leader today?" The joy in his voice made her want to run away. She had to push down an automatic shiver of disgust and turn her head away a little. The fact they were lauding her child as a future terrorise made her sick to her stomach, but she wasn't going to let it show when it would give them a clue she wasn't as fervent as they believed. She was good enough at this by now that she was able to hide her real feelings.

"We're hanging in there." She said eventually then smiled and looked down again. "We may find out if they are a boy or a girl tomorrow." She knew that talking about it normally helped with the illusion that this was all normal. All she wanted was to get this over with, so that she could start preparing for how unsafe this was all going to get when this all came to trial. That was going to be when everything went to hell and she wasn't looking forward to it. For now though, she was trying to pretend that the future wasn't going to happen.

"Is Mark still protecting you well." The boss asked, standing close behind Merri and almost whispering directly into her ear. That was more uncomfortable than she was going to admit again, but she knew that she needed to stay still, not shrug him off no matter how much she wanted to. Merri wondered for a moment how much of Mark's job in the organisation right now was related to her. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing for either of them. "If he isn't doing what you need him to for you, I can always replace him. Put him on a job, or on nothing at all." That was a threat, but Merri couldn't say anything right now. She just had to assure him that Mark was doing a fine job.

"No, thanks. Mark does what I want perfectly. I like being able to keep myself safe, too. You know that." Merri liked to push that, as it made the boss respect her more. She was relieved when he turned away, going to talk to Mark then the others as they arrived. Merri needed that time to steel herself after that. She sat through the meeting, quietly, only asking questions when she wanted to make sure that they were catching all the details.

When the meeting broke up she slipped away immediately, citing sickness, knowing that Mark would follow her when he could get away. She was only left sat in the car for a few minutes, but she could already tell there was someone there watching her. So when someone slid into the car a few minutes later she had her hand on her weapon, but she knew there was no reason to be worried. How she knew that though, she wasn't sure. "You must be Brody, right?" As soon as the woman spoke Merri knew who it was, the accent was a give-away.

"SSA Callahan. It's nice to meet you in person." Merri said as it was all she could think of. In all honesty, Merri would never have guessed this woman was an FBI agent. She was tiny, with a head of bushy brown hair and a trusting, open face that completely matched the voice she'd heard on the phone a few weeks earlier.

"You too, though I also hate you just a little. You have such a cute little bump, I was never that lucky, or that tiny, with any of my three." Callahan looked annoyed about it, but in a good way, an affectionate way. In a sense, Merri was glad to finally have a face to put with the name of the supervisor of their assignment. "I've been meaning to make contact with your previous posting. No details, I just need a recommendation for our records. Who was it?"

"Supervisory Special Agent Dwayne Pride, NCIS field office, New Orleans." She trusted this woman instinctively, though she had no real reason to. She believed her when she said that she was only going to contact for a recommendation. She also knew that Callahan had no idea that Pride was the father of her baby, but since nobody there even knew she was pregnant, she wanted to keep that quiet. "Please don't mention the pregnancy. I haven't told anyone there."

"I can keep that confidential if that's what you need." Callahan nodded softly, and Merri smiled over the back of the car seat to her. As she turned back she saw Mark walking toward the car, thankfully all alone. It would have been awkward if he wasn't, as Callahan would have had to hide and that was hard in a crappy car. Mark didn't look happy to see Callahan through the window, and Merri wondered what was going on that she didn't know about.

"You're not pulling me off this case, Beth." He said the moment he slid into the driver's seat. That explained why neither of them was looking all that happy right then, it also explained why Callahan was here. Merri knew they were listening nearby, that threats had been made today. "Including tonight I'm only at five threats, and only one of them was serious. The worry point is three times that."

"My worry is more that you are becoming inexplicably linked to protecting Merri and not what you were originally assigned to do." Callahan countered, and Merri actually nodded in agreement. That was what she'd been thinking to herself not that much earlier. "You're both still doing superior work, but I need you to recommend Stas to work with Merri as protection. He's one of ours and Merri speaks fluent Russian."

Merri wasn't even going to ask how Callahan knew that, because it didn't matter really. Mark looked like he was going to throw something, but even he couldn't argue with the logic in what Callahan was saying. "Fine. But I'm still going to stay as close as I can. She's my partner, I brought her into this and you can be damn sure I'm not letting her be put in any more danger than she needs to be." Merri wanted to mention she was still sat there, but now didn't sound like the time. Mark was mad about this, it was clear, but Callahan was going the right thing for the assignment. She'd work on Mark when he calmed down, and hopefully it would all go the way they needed. With the downfall of this organisation.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Yeah, I suck at posting still. Sorry.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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The change in Merri's security took a couple of weeks, but even when it was all completed she still saw Mark as often as she saw Stas, not just at work. Stas Niketenko was a first generation American, who's parents had emigrated from Russia in the 90s. He was big and liked bombs, which had made him a perfect target for this group, but he was maybe a little more intelligent than the leaders of the organisation had thought, he also believed in the idea of America and that had been how they'd managed to turn him informant. "Ms Brody, are you alright. Mr Davies will be here to take you soon."

"Yes, thanks Stas. You can call me Merri." She had told him that a dozen times, but he didn't seem to want to use given names. She then tried to refocus her mind to Mark and the events of the day. Today she had a check up with her OB, celebrating her 25th week, then they had a big meeting at the warehouse to discuss the winter targets, even though they were all still at least 8 weeks away and starting in December. The problem was that she couldn't seem to drag her thoughts from New Orleans recently.

"NCIS, you still in!" She heard shouted at the door, and if Mark hadn't used her nickname she probably would have been more concerned. Knocks at the door now had her paranoid, as did almost any sudden move. She was tired of always looking over her shoulder. Living a lie and waiting for the other shoe to drop. She knew that it was all going to happen eventually, and in some ways that made her want to give up, and in others it made her even more determined. She turned to start to the door, but through the doorway she saw that Stas had gotten there first.

"She is in the kitchen, she has not moved in some time." Stas sounded concerned, and at the speed that Mark came over to her, she wondered if he was concerned as well too. The truth was that she was exhausted and lonely and fed up. She wasn't sleeping well and she was still having sickness issues. It made for a generally miserable Merri and she didn't know Stas well enough to say any of this to him. Mark then took her shoulders and smiled softly. Her only response was a nod, and Stas asked from near the door. "She's OK, no?"

"I'm fine, Stas. Just been thinking all day." She smiled and the Russian just grabbed his jacket. They had the agreement that when Mark arrived he'd take over her protection if they were going out. Mark was happy to drive her around, and it seemed like he didn't want to let her off with just Stas anyway. "Thank you Stas, see you after work tomorrow." She called before Stas left, she really did like him, she just didn't trust him yet. Right now she barely trusted anyone at all. It seemed like that was the only way for her to stay safe.

"Still not opening up to Stas, huh?" Mark asked once they were both sure he was gone. Merri just shook her head softly then fell to the sofa and sighed. That was easy for someone else to say, but not so easy for her to actually do. She wanted to open up to someone else, but she was sure that she could. "He's a good guy, Merri, and he's on our side. He's good protection for you too. Trust him. He won't let anything happen to you, so between the two of us you and the munchkin are safe."

"I just want to go home right now. I thought I could handle doing this long term but I'm not so sure I actually can." Merri could feel the tears welling up and the pain in her chest that came when she admitted some kind of uncomfortable truth to herself. The tears had been more common since she'd gotten pregnant, thanks to those wonderful hormones. Mark came up and hugged her gently before he pulled her back then smiled to her."

"Call him, the baby's dad. You don't have to tell him you're pregnant, or anything about this, but maybe hearing his voice will help." Mark was giving her good advice, but she wasn't all that sure at first. "Maybe hearing his voice will help, if you don't work something out you're going to break and that's not what any of us need." Mark had definitely gotten to know her well over the last five and a half months, and she knew that he was right. She would end up breaking down and quitting if she didn't do something to try and combat how she was feeling right now. She hadn't struggled like this since Emily had died, and nobody needed that mistakes she'd made after that to happen again.

"I'll be right back." She said quietly, standing up and grabbing her phone. She decided to take Mark's advice, and that meant she was just going to go into her room and talk there. As soon as she was sat on the edge of the bed she dialled Pride's number, knowing that he might be on a case or otherwise be busy. Two words from him would be enough to help her get a hold of herself again. It took a few seconds but she had to smile when she heard him ordering the others around before he lifted the phone to his ear. When she recognised that sound she spoke, guessing he could hear her. "Hey there."

"You doing alright?" He asked immediately, and Merri had to pause and gather herself, even though she felt the tears starting to fall immediately. She felt like she'd needed this though, even if it meant she cried. She noticed that they were both avoiding using one another's names, probably to give themselves time without being hassled by the others. Suddenly a sob escaped her when she thought of the rest of her team, and she was sure that Pride had heard it. "Hey, what's wrong. Tell me all about it." He sounded so concerned about her, and Merri realised that she missed his support as much as she missed everything else about him.

"I can't tell you most, it's classified. But God I miss you Dwayne." Saying that made her cry a little harder, but she knew that she needed to get that out. She needed to tell him why being away was killing her, but that would possibly be too much. She decided that she wasn't going to care, she was thousands of miles away and she missed him. "I miss how you make me laugh and how you could make me feel better on my worst days. I miss how you'd squeeze my shoulder so I knew you were there with me and… I miss how I feel about you." There, she got it all off her chest without mentioning the baby. So why didn't she feel any better?

"Wow, Merri…" He spoke quietly, and as she was crying still she really hoped none of the others there heard him say her name. She wanted to only talk to him. "I wish I could be where you are, if only so I could stop you crying. No matter what we're doing I can always find a minute to answer your calls." He was clearly trying his hardest to calm her, and somewhat magically that was making her feel better, more than anything else was.

"I just feel so alone most of the time. I needed reminding of life before this assignment." She was already regaining her control. Pride's voice being her rallying point for her. Focusing on his breathing for a second she knew that she loved him. "I know I'm leaving you hanging on, and I don't know when I'll be back in New Orleans but I will come home to you Dwayne. I love you." She hadn't planned to say that to him, and she hadn't said it to anyone since James. But right now it felt right that she tell him how she felt.

"I love you too, Merri. I'll be waiting for you. I can promise you that." He still had the same soft voice, and she wanted to break then and there and tell him about the baby, that she was carrying his son, but she couldn't. It would be like signing her own death note. "I have to go back to my case, and you go back to yours. I'm forever waiting, I promise." He paused a second, then ended the call. It was sudden but he was busy and she knew they both needed to get on with things.

Merri just stared at her phone for a few seconds, feeling a little better about everything and that sense of calm was filling her up. Just hearing Pride's voice would have picked her up, but the conversation had been better than she thought. After she finished gathering herself back together she got up, went through to the bathroom to brush her hair and wash her face then headed back to Mark. He smiled seeing her looking a little better and then waved at her. "Did that work as well as I thought it may?"

"Yes it did." She confirmed, reaching down to grab her sweater and jacket. She hated the cold and that seemed to be all that New York was to her. Those living here seemed to still think it was milkd. "I wish we could just once have a meeting in a nicely heated building so I didn't have to wear a million layers. Isn't it a trope, the bad guys always meeting in cold warehouses? Like, I don't like Sasha Broussard but she was going about being a bad guy in a good way. She was warm."

Mark rolled his eyes at her and Merri realised that she was off on a rant, not that that would change her thoughts on it at all. She would apologise, but since she was right about it all she decided not to. "How long until you pop that kid out? I'm fed up of you complaining about the cold and maybe you're less annoying when you're not pregnant." Mark said as they headed out of her apartment ready to get on with their day.

"I still have 15 weeks until my due date, though junior may put in an early appearance if I'm like all the other women in my family." Merri smirked, it was hilarious to her that a man with five kids was complaining about how a pregnant woman was complaining, especially since he was there by choice. He could have let Stas take her around. She, at least, admitted that she was mostly being a pain in the ass at the moment to annoy him. But she really did hate the cold that much. "I have the check-up first, at least that will be nice and warm."

"I'm gonna text them and tell them to turn the heating off, just to fuck with you NCIS." Mark laughed as they got to the car. Knowing Mark he would actually do just that, so instead she sat in the passenger side and pouted, trying to show that she'd stop complaining. At least for right now, it wouldn't take a lot to get her started again, though if she was cold she'd start without planning to.

Her appointment was, thankfully, quick and simple. She was doing very well, everything was growing and going like it should for a women as far along as she was, which was the important thing for her. Her appointment actually was nice and warm too. As soon as they headed out to the meeting she was back to complaining about the cold, though now she was finding exactly how to annoy Mark and did that more, just because she could. The meeting was one of the last big ones of the year, the rest were going to be smaller groups of people while other activities continued.

She was sitting on her own at the end of a meeting when a voice came over the shoulder. "You know how there is a plan to take a haul tomorrow from the navy yard, right? How should we approach this?" Damien, one of the boss' favourite messengers and smugglers slid into the seat opposite her and fixed her with a stern glare. "You used to be navy, right? You know what they are going to do for the protection of it while it's being moved. That's when it's easiest." Why did they all think that she was navy?

"I wasn't navy, I was NCIS. We are an independent federal agency. As for the protections, it depends what the shipment is." She knew she had to give information, it was why she'd been given unconditional immunity for the duration of the assignment, but she didn't want to give information that could get someone killed. "You're safer waiting until it's stored on the yards, it'll be on minimal security then." It was also the way that would give the least casualties on both sides, assuaging her guilt somewhat.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you're worth keeping around." The voice she'd been speaking to dropped an octave and spoke quietly. It was a threatening tone and she wasn't sure she was comfortable with this. "Then, when I'm ready to snap, I remember you know the military and that makes you valuable to me. Only the boss still cares about Russo or the fact you are having his kid. The rest of us don't." While the conversation remained quiet, she was still sure that her microphone was picking it up. At least the threat wasn't outright, and she knew as long as she had the protection of the leader she was safe. Damien then pulled back and spoke louder. "Brody finally proved her worth."

"She's a good girl." The boss said, standing up and coming standing behind Merri, rubbing her shoulders as he did. The leering smile he was giving her as he looked down was one of the looks that always worried her, because she didn't know what was in his mind when he was thinking of her like that. She did know that there were people in the organisation, including the boss, who had their fancies about her, but she managed to hold them off by leaving as soon as a meeting was over. Today she didn't know exactly where Mark was, so she had sat down to wait. "One day, Brody, you and I should talk alone."

"Of course, when I have chance. Possibly when my maternity leave begins." Her job was another thing that she managed to use to keep herself separate, but if this continued she was rapidly approaching the point where she pulled out. It wasn't worth the danger for her or the baby if she made herself an enemy of the boss. But at the same time she never had any intention of being alone with him.

"We'll have to make sure of that. When do you go on leave?" The leader seemed too interested so she was glad there was still over three months before she started her leave. It would be the new year by them. After she gave the date she went to excuse herself, needing to get outside, to get away from these people for a while. Looking over her shoulder she once again regretted the decision.

"You took off like a bat out of hell, NCIS, what happened?" Mark said, arriving a few minutes later and after Merri had successfully emptied the contents of her stomach. Maybe she was feeling better about other things now, she was starting to realise that the assignment was beginning to reach the point where she had to leave, whether she wanted to or not.

"Just take me home, FBI. I need to be in my own space." She said when they were both in the car, and she just stopped trying to think about the situation she'd left behind. She wasn't ready to talk about any of it with him, but she was sure Callahan would play him the recording. She just wanted to crawl into her bed and look at the pictures she had of the people she missed and pretend like she wasn't living in danger at all.


	8. Chapter 8

_**And I suck even more at posting. I'm mass posting a few chapters, then I realised I still have one to finish before this fic is finished. But here you go. I am not going to make any promises on when or if I'll post another fic, but I'm going to be back eventually.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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Merri decided that keeping her head down and not bringing any attention to herself was going to be the better way to go since it was becoming really obvious that some in the organisation weren't very happy about her being there. It seemed to work for a few weeks, and as the weather started turning colder and the Christmas decorations began to appear she noticed that there was a drop in how often she was being called to the warehouse meetings. Maybe it was because she had suddenly exploded at around 29 weeks and now looked like she was ready to burst. "Miss Merri, are you home?" She heard shouted through the door, and looking up she saw her security turned friend Stas coming through.

She had expected that there would be a bigger meeting within the last week, as it was Thanksgiving, but there hadn't been any call, and and no texts. She wondered for a moment if her phone had broken. "Stas, you're sure we're not due anywhere today?" Maybe she was being paranoid, but this wasn't making her feel particularly confident about her safety. Or maybe she'd just missed a memo about a gap between meetings.

"No, Miss Merri. The boss is in Georgia for the holiday. I don't believe the other's value your input as much as he does." Well… That certainly made sense, didn't it? While the other women in the organisation all spoke to her, most even seemed to like her, overall they weren't the ones making the decisions. Aside from her, the entire senior echelon were male, and they made the decisions while the boss was away. Or, more specifically, Damien tended to, and Merri already knew his opinions of her. "I think Mr Mark will be here soon. He may know more about whatever it is that's bothering you."

"Thanks Stas. You know you don't have to stay here with me all the time, right?" Merri had had this discussion three or four times with him, but recently she'd started to think that Stas lived out of his car, going assignment to assignment sleeping wherever he could. Once while she'd been in Chicago she'd had to live like that for an undercover case, it hadn't been at all comfortable. So if that was how Stas was living she would be happy to help him. So a little meddling was called for. "Surely you have more of a life. A home, a girlfriend… or a boyfriend I'm not judging?"

"I have nowhere else to go. My family is all in Russia now and I was ordered to protect you while Mr Mark is busy." Stas was certainly dedicated, but Merri still felt a little bad that he seemed to have nothing else at all in his life. When the phone started to ring, Merri had to try and get up off the sofa. That was more entertaining for Stas than she wanted to admit, as she hadn't quite mastered that skill again yet. "Maybe you do need Stas around here more than you'd admit you do." Stas teased, and Merri responded by sticking her tongue out at him.

"Thank you." She replied sarcastically before answering the call. The number wasn't one she was familiar with, but that wasn't uncommon any longer. Most of the time she was answering calls from burner phones and that meant numbers she didn't recognise or need to remember. It was supposedly to make these people harder to track, but it didn't work when there were spies at almost every level of the organisation now. "Brody, what can I do you for?" She asked, then paused to just listen to the other end of the phone. Breathing, an occasional beep. Silence otherwise. "Hello?" She repeated, wanting something out of the person on the other end before she hung up.

"You're dead bitch. There will be new orders and your friends will find you in the Hudson. All manner of things done to you." Then the line went dead and she dropped the phone to the floor in shock. It was hardly the first time she'd been threatened, it wasn't even the first time this week, but it was by far the most specific. She just sat on the sofa a moment, breathing heavily. There was her cardio workout for the day. Clearly the sound of the phone clattering to the floor attracted Stas' attention, and he almost skidded back into the room from wherever he'd gone to sit and wait for her to finish with whatever conversation she'd been having.

"Miss Merri, are you alright?" Stas asked as he came back into the room carrying a steaming mug of something, probably a hot chocolate as that had recently become her favourite. As for his questions, she didn't really know if she was OK after that, and she didn't know how to tell him without telling the others first. She was vaguely concerned as only the members of the organisation had that number for that phone. Someone there had had to be the one to order her threatened, and that was the more worrying part. "I shall call Mr Mark. Get him to come now."

"Yeah, I need to call Agent Callahan too." That was all she could think to do. She'd been told that if there was a reasonable chance for a substantial threat she call the unit chief, and that seemed to be the situation she was in now. Maybe she needed to start thinking about withdrawing, she was too far along in the pregnancy now to actually push things when she might not be safe. She was now really glad that Stas was still there. She wasn't sure she felt safe being alone in her apartment right now. She then pulled her other phone out and dialled the number for Agent Callahan.

"Brody, we've got a situation, is this urgent?" Callahan sounded harried when she answered, and Merri did wonder what could have possible riled the easy-going counter-terrorism unit chief. Then Merri wondered if her situation was just going to add to that. "We've lost track of a target, and we're all trying to catch up with him again. What's caused you to call me."

"I just got a call on my burner. A very, very explicit threat." She didn't want to repeat the threat over the phone but she would if she had to. Even when she was concerned she would still be able to remember it word for word. While nastier things were said to her at meetings, this was the first time that she'd been called with a threat and for some reason she was much more freaked out by this.

"Give me an hour, then I'll be there. Have you called Mark?" Callahan sounded as though she was taking it seriously, and that made her feel less like a crazy person. She was worried she was taking it too seriously, but at the same time, something so specific and explicit was not to be ignored. If one of her victims or agents had got something like it she'd have been concerned too.

"Stas is here, he called Mark." Merri tried to calm herself by focusing on those around her, the people who were going to try and keep her safe and alive. "See you in an hour." She knew Callahan needed to focus on the target they lost before she could worry too much about anything else. Merri didn't mind being on her own right now though, at least not while she knew Stas was still in the apartment and she knew Mark and Callahan were on their way.

She sat there quietly, just digesting the situation she found herself in while she drank the hot chocolate that Stas had made her. It warmed her from the inside, and the quiet gave her time to think about how to handle this, and whether or not she should continue with this assignment. She still believed in what they were doing, and she still wanted to help, but right now she was also aware that she was becoming more of a liability.

"Hey, NCIS, you still with us?" She heard suddenly, and blinked herself out of her thoughts and focused again on Mark now he was standing right there. Given Stas was still hovering, she guessed that they were both terribly worried about her. As she'd just been spaced out and not paying any attention to them, she couldn't say that she entirely blamed them. "What happened? Stas called me to hurry up, that something was wrong. Is it the baby?"

"No, the baby is fine. I got a threat, a bad one, something explicit." She included Stas in the pronouncement, as he was here every day he was going to be affected. If she was in danger, then he was probably in danger too. She didn't know what to do right now as she really did want to continue the case but she was worried, more about the others and the baby than about herself. If it was just her, she wouldn't even hesitate to continue the way she was, but it wasn't just her. "I think it was a serious threat too, so now I don't know what to do."

"Have you called Beth?" Mark asked while Stas just continued looming in a vaguely threateningly protective manner. As she nodded, Mark stood up and started pacing around the room, sighing to himself every so often. She was surprised, again, by how much he reminded her of King when he did that. It was the reminder she'd needed to centre herself again, and she was glad for it even if it did cause a slight stab of pain. "If you're thinking about what to do with the case, I'd keep going, if only because you've already put 6 months of work into it and it would be a shame to lose that." Mark had a good point, but she still just wasn't sure.

"I'm almost 31 weeks pregnant, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to help, or how much more I can do right now." She argued back, glad that he was, at least, giving a voice to the pro side so she could argue the cons. She slid her hand down to her stomach and felt a gentle, reassuring kick in response to her slightly raised voice. Looking down she knew that the baby should come first, but in her life she'd never really had the opportunity to put herself first. "Besides, I haven't been to a meeting in over a week, and all the questions I'm getting right now are about firearms training."

The were all distracted by a knock at the door, and Merri watched Stas as he went to answer. When he came back he was followed by Callahan, who seemed far less stressed than she'd sounded on the phone. Maybe things had been resolved by the time she arrived, or they were at least more under control when she left. Mark was still using his time to stalk around her lounge, and Merri herself was just fighting off the sickly feeling she had. "Brody, you filled Mark and Stas in on what happened?" As she nodded in response Callahan just held a hand out to Mark to stop him pacing. "Tell us now what was said, word for word if you can."

"Thank my memory for this." She sighed then took a deep breath, not really wanting to relive the words. "You're dead bitch. There will be new orders and your friends will find you in the Hudson. All manner of things done to you. - I'll hear that in my nightmares for a while." Especially now, since her strongest fear in all the universe was of drowning. That thought shot her back to being on the Moultrie after Hooper's bomb. She could hear the creaks, smell the ocean. At that she stood up and walked over to the window, opening it despite the cold. She needed to breathe the city air for a moment, trying to refocus herself.

Merri ignored the conversation about who it was most likely to be. Wanting to just think about something else and calm herself again. She didn't want to think about the threat and the associated flashbacks. As she held her bump she thought seriously and knew that, even with this, she couldn't back out now. "I'm gonna protect you, kid, but I can't give up on this assignment. Not until something happens. We'll be OK, I know that because I have to take you home to meet your daddy one day." She spoke quietly to the bump, then took a deep breath and turned to the others. "I'm going to continue on the case, if you'll allow me, unless you have another idea of how I can be helpful to the team. I need to see this through, even if it's not necessarily the smartest of ideas."

"You sure, NCIS? It could be more difficult now." Just a minute ago he'd been arguing for her continuing with the case, now he was cautioning her. She just shook her head as she thought about that, but her mind was now made up. She knew that, no matter what, she could still be useful. Even if it was only in predicting their next movements. Maybe some didn't trust her anymore, but she already knew how they thought, she knew what their priorities were. Mark, it seemed, knew that she wasn't going to budge, so he sat beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm going to stick by her, if she thinks she can carry on. I've got her back."

"Fine, I'm not happy about it though." Callahan shook her head a little and frowned. She was the lead, but Merri knew from experience that she was running probably a dozen official cases and who knew how many unofficial ones that sprang up from the official ones. Callahan had to trust her agents on the ground, and Merri didn't much care how much others had going on. She knew that Mark would back her up, and she was hoping that Stas would too. After a second, the big Russian stepped forward and nodded, confirming he was in. "Alright, but neither of you are to let her alone. I'll join you for your appointments." That seemed like a fair compromise, and she was actually glad that Callahan had volunteered to come to her appointments, she wouldn't be that comfortable with the boys there.

Merri couldn't help but chuckle when Mark and Stas jokingly high fived in the background, but she knew there was at least on assurance she needed to make. "I promise, if I get another similar threat or if there is any other kind of incident I will step out, go protective until the trial, but until then let me continue doing the only thing I'm any good at. I have to make up for the mistakes I made." She was almost begging, just wanting Callahan to give more than begrudging support in spite of the dangers they were going to be facing.

"Alright, alright. You sold me. I'll want daily activity reports though, and text me a list of your appointments." Callahan then sighed and stood up, heading for the door immediately while Stas and Mark started arranging how they were now going to work the security. Merri knew that this wasn't the smartest decision she'd ever made, in fact she was pretty sure it was one of the stupidest. She was also sure it was the right one to make, and that she was doing it for the right reasons. There was always a chance that nothing would go wrong.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Thanks for reading.**_  
 _ **Shin xx**_

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Merri just wanted to relax and stay in bed right now. She knew that she had to get up, as Stas and Mark had made plans for her later on, but given how far along she was now she felt like considering calling it off. In the last four and a half weeks she'd been watched every day by either Stas or Mark. She tended to assume one of them was in her guest room at any given time, though the last few days both had occasionally been needed elsewhere as the threat against her had seemed to trail off again. If they were here today they were clearly just leaving her to sleep. The closer she got to her due date, the more she just wanted to stay in bed, though every morning she needed to go to the bathroom to pee after five minutes of being awake. It seemed like the baby was in the mood to make her pee even more. Come on kid, it's Christmas Eve, give me a break for today." She mumbled, still not fully settled on a name for him yet.

She was just cleaning up after herself, getting ready to be as lazy as it was possible to be, when there came a hammering at the door. She ignored it for a few moments, assuming that Mark or Stas was going to get it. After a minute it started again, and she realised she didn't hear either of them in her apartment. She grabbed her service weapon off the side and headed toward her front door. "Who is it, I'm armed!" She yelled, then stepped and stood one side of the door, just in case someone tried shooting through it.

"Merri, let me in. We have an emergency." Mark shouted back, using her name for one of the few times she remembered him using her name. Given that he never sounded that worried or stressed she opened the door and let him barrel through. "Gather everything you can't leave, pack the things you have for you and the baby. We have to go." She hesitated, not sure what was wrong and why this was so urgent. Mark looked at her for a second then shook his head at her. "They killed three agents this morning. Half an hour ago they took Stas. We have to get you to safety. That was something I promised when I convinced you to sign on to this and I don't like to go back on my promises."

"Anything else I should know?" She asked even as she started looking around and gathering things from around the lounge of the apartment. It was a very spartan area anyway, and other than a stroller and car seat she hadn't bought anything for the baby. "Like where we're going, for instance?" It seemed like a reasonable question to her, especially as Mark was acting like she was in immediate danger right now. They surely wouldn't be there already.

"Merri most of the damaging testimony came from your wire, and therefore we need you to testify. Beth has agents rounding everyone up with help from the NYPD but it's a race of who gets to you first. So hurry." He pushed her slightly toward the bedroom. She began gathering all the clothes together and throwing them into a suitcase. She had given the precious things she owned to her mother months ago, her photo albums and anything the reminded her of Emily. It had seemed safer and she had the digital memories to look at when she was down. When she zipped the suitcase up, mostly filled with clothes for her and the baby, Mark rushed in to her and took the handle of the suitcase. "You ready to go? You and I are next on the list apparently, we still have some contacts on the inside."

"I'm ready." She nodded and went to pull the suitcase toward her again, but Mark pulled it away so she grabbed the stroller and seat then let her eyes wander over her temporary home for the last seven months. It had done what she needed it too, it had kept her safe. Since she still didn't know where she was going, that feeling of safety was something she was already craving. She knew that the FBI would keep her safe but extraction was going to be an issue. She was trying not to worry too much, but that wasn't working.

When they got to the car, they worked on getting her things in the trunk before she saw two unfamiliar people come into the garage. She poked Mark and frowned a little, nodding in their direction, as her hand slipped to the weapon that was cleverly hidden by her bump. It seemed like they hadn't been noticed, until after Merri had already gotten in the passenger side, at which point the two newcomers had turned toward them and stared for a second. Before she could say anything to Mark, there was a shout of 'there's one of them' quickly followed by a shower of bullets hitting the back of the car.

"Duck NCIS." Mark yelled as he got a few shots off at them himself. Merri did exactly as he told her, knowing that at her current angle she'd never be able to get a shot off anyway. After another exchange of gunfire it was obvious to her that Mark had been hit, but he still dived into the car and starting it up. "Get on the radio, tell them we're on our way with injuries. But stay down." The part of her that had been trained to follow orders complied with him, but the part of her that was a friend and medic was worried about the amount of blood Mark was losing.

"Mark you're going to pass out before you get us anywhere." She was concerned about the fact that he was bleeding quite so heavily, though with the injury being on the side closest to her she could at least try and do something about it. Reaching into the glove compartment she rummaged until she found a mostly clean rag and balled it up before leaning over and pressing it directly on to the injury. Mark yelped in pain as she did, but Merri didn't care that much. "I'd very much like to reach wherever we're going alive, so sorry if this hurts, but it is necessary."

"Only a couple more blocks." Mark ground out, seemingly more to himself than to her. She was about to reassure him when a squeezing pain hit at the small of her back stopping her saying anything. She was not expecting it, and hoped that it was just a strain in her back from the angle she was sitting in. Merri looked up after a few more seconds and realised that, no matter what happened, she wasn't ever really going to be safe again, but she didn't care right now. If she got through today she'd take the next chance, then the next. She lost track of where they were, and instead focused on Mark. Suddenly she turned and looked up and saw the familiar parking area of the FBI office.

"We're safe Mark, we're here." She said quietly, and she felt him slump and saw him lose consciousness, the result of which was them crashing into the wall, luckily they were going very, very slowly. As she sat up again she saw agents and medics running toward them. Another pain spasmed across her back, but she elected to ignore it. Deciding that MArk was more important for those to focus on at that moment. As the medics came to her she shook her head and waved to her partner. "I'm fine, deal with him. He's bleeding out from a right side gunshot, I couldn't check for an exit but I don't think there is one."

"Merri, Merri… They have him, relax." There was a quiet voice beside her, and Merri turned realising that Callahan had suddenly appeared on her side of the car. At least there was someone there she could trust. Merri turned to her and hoped that the question didn't actually need to be asked. After checking Mark was being treated and taken to the ambulance, Callahan came back with a medic and looked at her seriously. "Damien made a move this morning, the boss is dead and Damien then decided to get rid of anyone who was loyal to the previous leadership. Which was how he learnt how far we infiltrated, to a point. He doesn't know you're not dirty, he does think you were too close."

"Where is he now?" She asked, letting the medic help her to standing as she was passed free. All of a sudden she realised it felt like the baby had moved between her knees and settled there, but she also felt like it was probably all in her mind as she was just going through the shock and surprise of the entire day, so she was certain that they'd all go back to normal when she sat down and relaxed. Almost as if in response to that thought, there was another spasm. Less powerful than the previous ones, but at the same time a little more substantial. Maybe she was just being stubborn, but she refused to accept she was in labour. There was too much for her to do. "Who do you have? Let me into interrogation."

"Merri, you're 35 weeks pregnant with a family history of premature labour, you can't go into interrogation. No matter how good you are." Callahan was right, of course, but they had killed her friends, tried to kill her and her son. She needed to ask about it, and she knew that some of them would still answer to her. It might not be protocol, it might not be smart, but it was going to be one of the best ways to get the information out of the suspects the already had in custody.

"Callahan… you know I'm the best one to do all of this. Even if Damien didn't, most of them respected me." Merri would push for this, as she didn't want to let Damien get away with killing as many agents and informants as Mark implied he had. Especially Stas, her friend and confidante. "You know I'm the only hope we have right now. Damien killed one of my friends, he may have killed another. I need to stop him before he succeeds in killing everyone else involved in this assignment."

Callahan looked torn, and instead of speaking she just indicated down a corridor and started down it. Merri had to suppress a grimace at another sharp pain, mentally willing her son to stay where he was right now so that she could do her work. While she was excited to meet her son soon, it just couldn't be today. When they stopped outside an interrogation room, Callahan opened the door to observation. "If you're in the room I can't use it in court. Talk to me, direct me. Then we can nail these assholes for life." That was a good argument for her not flying off the handle right now and letting Callahan do what she could.

"Alright, alright. I can do that. I just really want to get these guys. Get justice for Stas… for Mark." She sighed, then stepped into the cool, dark space that characterised an observation room. Listening to Callahan question their suspect. Waymond Donoghue, who it turned out was actually the many who had murdered Stas. Merri tried to help with the interrogation the best she could, but it was hard given that she'd never met Raymond, and she didn't know as much about Damien as she had his predecessor. Though, what she had was enough for them to get a likely location out of Raymond. Over the course of it all, though, Merri had come to accept that she was in labour.

"Excuse me." Beth said suddenly and with a look to observation Merri went and opened the door, watching the unit chief come in. Merri wondered why Beth had halted it. Looking at her phone, Beth walked in then dialled a number and looked to Merri. "Upstairs called me 911." She said by way of explanation, and Merri just watched as Beth spoke on the phone. Her main thoughts being that Beth must have incredible hearing, as Merri couldn't hear a single word from the other end of the call. "That's good. We'll move on to contestant number two. Keep me in the loop." She hung up then nodded to Merri for a second.

"Any news about Mark?" She had to ask it first, because she was most worried about her friend. Given Callahan's comment about another person she figured someone else had agreed to talk to them. Who it was she didn't know, but she was willing to try anything to get this part all finished and keep them all in prison for a long time. She was beginning to feel like she was alone in a room with a devil on her shoulder that told her she should forget protocol and convince Callahan to let her go in. Ignoring it and sending Mark some good thoughts. "Any news yet?"

"In surgery, they aren't hopeful. His wife is on her way." Callahan looked stricken, with all that had gone on Merri had never asked how long Mark and Callahan had been working together. It seemed like such a huge deal now that she couldn't ask, but she didn't want to distract from what they needed to do. "Come on, Brody. I need you to listen in as I interview lucky bachelor number two. Lucan Knowles. Small time dealer, big time assassin wannabe."

That sounded familiar to Merri, so she nodded and went to follow Callahan to another interview room. The movement coinciding with another pain. She had, at least, been timing them and they were still a good distance apart so she wasn't worrying. Her waters hadn't broken, yet, and she was mostly just getting angry about it and fed up, already, of being in labour. Sitting and listening to the questioning it took Merri a few moments to place the voice, then she knocked on the window, having no microphone in here. When Callahan came in she checked her phone then looked at Merri. "He's the guy, Callahan. He's the one who threatened me."

"I'll ask him when I go back in." Another look at her phone and suddenly her face fell. Merri went to stand up, but another pain ripped through her and she couldn't move for a second. Luckily, Callahan was still reading the message on her phone, and neither of them was paying that much attention to the other. After a few moments Callahan looked up at her and frowned. "Mark died in surgery a few minutes ago. I should go tell the team. Come on."

"We might have a bigger problem." Merri said, reaching out and grabbing Callahan's arm before she could walk away. Now Merri knew, for sure, that her son was on the way. There was a gush of water flooding down her legs, and she couldn't ignore this any more. She was going to have to get through all of this, even while she was already mourning her friends. "My water just broke."


	10. Chapter 10

The liquid rushed down her leg and onto the floor as she frowned looking over to Callahan. She did not want to admit that she'd spent most of the day ignoring the signs of an impending labour, but she was going to have to before long. It was probably a good thing that she was with Callahan, as Merri remembered the other woman saying that she had three children of her own. Merri looked at Callahan, feeling a little terrified, and shook her head. "I've been having some pains all day, but I thought they'd go away." It was probably better to be honest about it all, even though she felt like a prize idiot for doing it.

"That was maybe not the best of ideas," Callahan replied, a small shake of her head following. They both then looked at the time on Callahan phone and Merri couldn't help but shake her head softly. Callahan seemed to be as unimpressed as Merri herself was. "Five minutes past midnight. You would be the type to go into labour on Christmas Day." There was a little laugh there, and Merri tried to return it but another pain came over her and she squeezed her hand closed and tried to ignore it. "How far apart are your contractions?"

"About eight minutes right now. They've been speeding up, half an hour ago I was counting twelve." Merri felt Callahan hand on her back and allowed her to lead her toward the main office. As they stepped out of the elevator she stopped for a moment seeing Mark's desk, still covered with paper as though he was coming back, and frowned. A deep feeling of sadness settling over her. "It's probably best if I get to the hospital, as I get the feeling that the baby is in a hurry now and going to turn up very soon." In a way, she was excited that she was finally going to meet her son, but in another way she was certain that the baby was Pride's, she was a little afraid that she would discover she was wrong and he was John's.

"Billy, Leanne. I need you to take over down in interrogation. Merry Christmas to you. We're going to hold the guys 'til tomorrow for bail hearings." Callahan seemed to be completely in control, which was exactly what Merri needed as she could feel her own control slipping and her life spinning away from any semblance of control she ever had. She sensed the others looking at her and while she tried to smile she was sure it came out as more of a grimace. Billy looked vaguely concerned, but Leanne smiled, clearly understanding what was going on.

"Is baby Brody on his way? Want me to call your emergency contact?" Leanne smiled and same over wrapping Merri in a hug after she'd nodded so that someone would call her mother. The hug that Leanne held her in for a moment gave Merri the boost that she really needed. After another nod and squeeze, Leanne leant in and whispered into Merri's ear, "you got this Merri. I'll come by and see you guys when the little one has arrived. Can't wait to see him, but let them help you with the pain if you can." That was possibly good advice, but she wasn't sure she was going to have the time.

A few minutes later, Beth was using her lights because no matter the time it seemed like there was always traffic in this city, which was part of why Merri hated to drive here. While her contractions weren't really getting closer, they were getting a lot stronger. That seemed to be a good indication she was getting closer. "You doing OK there, Brody?" Callahan asked, looking over at her in the slanted light from the streetlights. Merri didn't actually know how she was, and all of a sudden she really wished that King was there with her. That they were together getting ready to meet their son. She was very aware, right this moment, that he didn't even know that he was about to have a son.

"Honestly, I don't know." She managed to get out when the next pain subsided. "I'm wishing that the baby's dad was actually here in New York, instead of back home." That was when Merri remembered that only Mark and her parents knew that John Russo was not the baby's father, or at least that she didn't think that he was. So now she needed to let Callahan in on that secret because otherwise, that sounded questionable. "Russo wasn't the dad, at least I don't think he is. I'm pretty certain that the father is actually my former boss. I'll know for sure when I see the baby, but I'm certain." At least Callahan didn't look like she was judging her for it. As they parked up Merri felt as though the baby was back between her knees. Resisting the urge she had to push when she moved she let Callahan get her into a wheelchair and take her up to the OB floor.

When they stepped through one of the doors, a nurse came straight over to them and smiled a little, which in some strange way made Merri think that she looked a lot more calm than she actually was. "What do we have here?" The nurse asked but was already taking the handles of the chair from Callahan and heading toward an open room. Merri was pretty sure that people didn't come here for any other reason. Why else would someone be there looking like they were about to burst if they weren't having a baby?

"Meredith Brody, 35 weeks and one… right?" Callahan answered, and Merri was thankful, as she didn't want to try speaking right now, she was too busy focusing on ignoring the pain and the desire to push. At her silence, Callahan just shrugged slightly and shook her head. "She's been contracting since around 11am, her water went about 25 minutes ago." Callahan then lowered her voice and looked around before she said her next part. "She's a federal agent just extricated from an undercover assignment."

"OK, I really need to push now," Merri said to break up the conversation about her. She really wasn't sure that she could hold on very much longer, but she would until they were ready to. When they got into a delivery room Merri was helped onto a bed and hated that they got her into a position she was far too uncomfortable in. The nurse asked her if they could do an exam, and only seconds into it she asked for Beth to pull the emergency cord, that made Merri start to worry a little. "Is something wrong, it the baby OK."

"He's fine, Meredith. I could hear a strong heartbeat, but you're right he's ready to come right now and I need help." The nurse was very good at reassuring her, and that was another one of the things that Merri really needed right then. Callahan came up beside her and took hold of her hand as Merri started trying to remember how to breathe, she was just too uncomfortable to pretend that this wasn't happening or that it would happen in this position, but every time she tried to move someone pushed her back.

Another person stepped through the door, but at this point, she no longer cared who was there. "OK, Hi Meredith. We don't have the time to get your OB here, but I'm Doctor Harlowe, I'll be the one delivering." Merri was trying to listen, but she didn't care, she didn't even know who was there, to begin with. She needed for it to be over with now, as the pressure was unbearable, but the position they were keeping her in was making it worse. She then moved faster than anyone could stop her, finding it much more comfortable as she leant over the back of the bed.

"You more comfortable like this?" Callahan asked, and Merri realised that her boss was stopping the nurses trying to get her back into the more 'traditional' position. Merri could only nod at that point, as she really couldn't hold on any longer, she let her body take over and stopped trying to control it. She wasn't at all focused on anything, and she only realised that the baby was out when the pressure was relieved and there was a very loud cry. "He's beautiful, Merri, he's really beautiful." Callahan smiled, and then took him from the nurse to come and stand in front of Merri as she finished off what she needed to do. It didn't even matter anymore now that her son was there, right where she could see him. As soon as she could she sat back and Callahan handed him over.

"Hey there, little guy. I'm your mommy, you lived inside of me." She laughed a little then looked up to smile tiredly as Callahan took a few pictures for her. As she studied the baby in her arms she knew that she'd been right all along, he had Pride's hair and nose already, they were both fairly unmistakeable. She was instantly overcome with so much love for her son, and for his father. "You look so much like your daddy little one, just like him. I wish he was here to see you."

"Does he have a name yet Meredith?" The nurse who had first met them was the one asking her while she put a little security and identification bracelet around the baby's tiny little ankle. Merri knew she was torn between two names, and she'd thought that seeing him would tell her what he should be, but it hadn't so far. She shook her head then at the nurse while she was still looking at her son. "He needs to be seen by the NICU team, but we can get you showered and you can have a rest while he's being checked out and given any medication he needs. He was a little premature and has some minor breathing issues. He's probably fine and just needs a little help like most preemies." Again, she was reassuring, and that kept Merri calm as the doctors came and picked him up.

"Bye baby, mommy will see you soon." She said quietly to her son, kissing his head before they took him away. After she got herself cleaned up and Callahan went to bring Merri's bag up she just laid down in her new room and thought about everything she had in her bag. All the projections had said that the baby was going to be a decent size, so she hadn't bought any tiny baby clothes. She'd managed to send Callahan out to buy a couple of tiny baby outfits before the doctors came back a couple of hours later. "How's my little guy."

"He's doing great, right now we're just giving him some oxygen and steroids, then we'll bring him back through to you." That was reassuring, and the steroids were probably to mature his lungs properly. "Are you planning on breastfeeding." The younger of the two doctors was the one talking, and she was smiling. Merri was so relieved that the baby was absolutely fine, and she realised that she'd come to a decision on his name too, she was so exhausted now. "Take the opportunity to get yourself some sleep. Your friend is with your son right now."

"I think I'm going to call him Bevan, can you tell Callahan and make sure that's added to his chart?" She had always thought that would be her least favourite of the names, but having seen him, and that he was having to start life this way, it was really the perfect name. Given that she, technically, had a Welsh first name, she wanted to give her son that too. Bevan meant 'safety' and 'youthful warrior', which were perfect for a little guy who was born ready to fight to two members of law enforcement.

She fell sound asleep after that conversation, and when she actually woke up again her parents were there in the room with her, and she wondered how long she'd actually been asleep. As she sat up her mom came over and gave her a tight hug before she started to speak. "So our grandson decided to give everyone a surprise Christmas present, did he?" Olivia asked with a grin on her face, and Merri sat up to see if he'd been brought back in while she slept. "He's still in the NICU. The wanted to wait until you were awake before they brought him back in."

"Good, I can't wait for you to meet him. He's beautiful mom." She smiled thinking about the little guy she'd met just a few hours ago. As one of the nurses came in she smiled seeing that Merri was awake. After a check on how she was feeling, the nurse went to gather Bevan and bring him through. As soon as he was there she sat forward and picked him up, cradling him close. "Bevan Brody, say hello to your nanny and papa." She smiled, holding him out so her mother could take him to show her father.

"Hello Bevan, your momma is right, you are beautiful." Olivia smiled, sitting back in the seat she'd had next to her father, both sitting there together getting to know a little about their grandson. It was amazing for Merri to see how her family had changed immediately all thanks to this tiny human that she'd managed to create with a man she loved in the midst of one of the worst experiences of her life.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Came a voice at the door, and all three adult Brody's turned their attention to the people stood there. Merri smiled widely when she saw that it was Callahan and Leanne, glad that they were the first visitors. She was glad to see them both for other reasons as well, like she could introduce them to her parents, and to little Bevan. She waved them in and as Callahan look around she grinned at Olivia and Paul. "My mam was like that when I had my first. Though the conversation was in another language and involved them calling my husband an idiot."

"Mom, dad… This is SSA Beth Callahan, my current unit chief, and my friend Leanne, another agent in the unit." Merri introduced them smiling a little as her mother got up and handed Bevan back to her and kissing her forehead. The one upside to her mother working in a classified profession was that she knew how to disappear when it was necessary, and clearly, she realised that Callahan and Leanne were there for another reason than just their grandson. "Can you guys go get me that cereal I like, I can't eat the stuff here." She smiled, giving them a reason to leave, and as soon as they were out of the room she turned her attention to her son while she asked the main question that was on her mind. "So you got Damien yet?"

The pause was telling, and over twenty-four hours since they had started their attempts at murdering so many Merri wanted to know if she was going to be able to return to her apartment with her son. After a second Callahan took another breath then nodded. "Yes, we have Damien and we learnt that he doesn't want you dead. Yet. His henchmen were just after Mark. He doesn't yet know that you're one of those testifying. Until discovery you and Bevan can go back to your apartment, but when we move toward trial you'll be going into protective custody until you have testified and we have a guilty verdict. It's the best for you both."

"He can come at me with anything he wants. I won't let him win." She smiled and kissed Bevan head before she finished her thoughts. No matter what, nobody was going to hurt her son and she would do anything to keep him safe. "This little boy is how I made it here, I'm not letting anyone hurt him or take him from me. They would have to get through me first."

"There is one other thing, Merri," Leanne said before the other two women would actually go to depart and leave her alone with her son. Rocking the baby in her arms Merri just smiled, able to focus on him and anything being said to her. She knew, though, that this was something about Mark, she just knew it. "Marks wife, Sophie, wants to meet you. When we told her he was hurt protecting a pregnant agent she wanted to see you and Bevan were OK for herself."

"We'll arrange for her to come, or for us to meet up soon. I need to ask her something anyway." Merri smiled, thinking of a way that she could honour Mark's memory at the same time as doing the right thing. It wasn't easy to go through this, but she knew that this was going to be something that she could do. While she was happy to have met her son today, and it was the best Christmas present ever, she wished that none of this had happened, as she missed her friends, and they would never get to meet the baby. It was hard.


	11. Chapter 11

For the first five days of Bevan life, Merri spent her time beside the cot in the NICU, though Bevan didn't need that much support and the nurses left her to do most of his care for herself, then at five days she was allowed to take him home with her parents. Those five days had given Beth and their team the time to round up the last of Damien's hit teams. It meant that her apartment was back to being secure for her, at least secure enough for now, but she wanted to find somewhere else to live, and her parents wanted to help and put it in their name. So, it was nice her parents were staying around after taking leave to stay with her and Bevan, and they started looking for appropriate apartments for them. They stayed through the New Year, and when Bevan was 2 weeks old the day she'd been dreading arrived. After she got him fed, she wrapped him up warm and went through her wardrobe to find a black suit that actually fit her at the moment. When Callahan arrived at her door Merri just handed her Bevan in his car seat and nodded while Callahan herself looked a little confused. "You're bringing the baby with you?"

"My parents are apartment hunting and I don't trust anyone else with him who won't be at the funeral." Merri sighed a little shrugged, assuming that Mark's kids would be there anyway so Bevan being there would not be a big issue. "On top of that, Mark is part of the reason this little guy exists and how he survived to begin with." She argued a little, She did feel strongly enough that her son should be there, thanking the man who had made sure that he was protected. Of course, Bevan wasn't really going to know that now, but she still felt strongly about it. She turned and grabbed the bag she was using for all the things she and Bevan might need for the day. The funeral wasn't actually until later in the afternoon, but Merri had agreed to meet Mark's wife, Sophie, before it all started. Sophie wanted to know what could be shared about the case, and Merri knew that that was on of the only things that would comfort this woman in the wake of everything that had gone on. "You did get everything arranged for us to meet Sophie before everything gets going, right?"

"I did, don't worry Merri." Callahan smiled, clearly understanding that Merri was just nervous about all of this now. She really, really wanted to get today over with, not that tomorrow was going to be any easier as it was Stas' memorial, as his body was being interred in Russia. "Sophie is lovely, Merri. She just wants to know that you and Bevan are OK." Callahan continued reassuring her as they started heading down to the car. It was funny to Merri that Callahan hadn't tried to hand the baby back. "You know, eventually you will have to start driving yourself here?"

"I don't even have a _car_ here." She responded with a grin and got in the elevator. Driving seemed totally unnecessary in this city, she would survive with public transport and getting her colleagues to drive her places when she needed. When she went home or back to Virginia she would need to get a new car and start driving again. Both of those were not current worries, however, she was at least six months from either. Callahan still only had an estimate for the trial, though she was trying to push for a quick one for the safety of those who were testifying. But it was still likely to be a few months away, but she needed to not think about it too much.

"Hey, Brody. You coming?" Came a voice from a little ways away, and Merri looked up to see that she hadn't noticed the elevator coming to a stop and Callahan stepping out with Bevan toward her car. As soon as Merri realised, she bent down and picked the bag up again and followed Callahan out. "You seem miles away, what's on your mind about it all." Callahan seemed mildly concerned about how distant Merri had seemed just then. How did she explain that she wasn't sure about anything they were doing now and she just wanted to go home?

"It's nothing new. Just me wishing I was back home with King, doing whatever I could to help out there." She knew that people were probably getting tired of her talking about how much she missed her life in New Orleans and how she wished she was back there. She just really missed everything about it, and she hated how crowded and unfriendly New York seemed in comparison. When they reached the car she took Bevan's seat from Callahan and went around to fit the seat in properly. "It's hard doing this on my own, even with my parents around. Especially in the situation I have right now."

"Do you speak to his dad?" Callahan asked, looking over the back of her seat while Merri fastened Bevan in. Merri hadn't actually spoken to King on the phone in a few months, but they still text and emailed. Even that was starting to become less and less often now, and she missed him even more whenever she realised that. "Maybe you should tell him about his son, he could at least provide some emotional support that way?" That would be a good idea if anyone else was the father. Merri refused to get King all caught up in this right now.

"We text, and we email, but telling him about Bevan is definitely something I need to do in person." She didn't want to keep lying through omission, but it really was better for them all if she played it close to her chest for now. "I know he'll be thrilled to be a father again, he has a grown daughter, but in many ways that's what worries me. He's needed there, in New Orleans, and if he knew about us he'd want to be here, and I don't want that to happen."

"Wouldn't you _like_ him here, though?" Callahan said quietly, giving her a little supportive smile. She obviously already knew the answer to that question given how often Merri spoke about it, and Merri didn't really want to admit to it. There was nothing she wouldn't give to have King there with her, or to be back in New Orleans but she knew how the two of them were, and going their separate ways after a visit would be far too difficult, and they'd never want to go.

"I'd love for him to be here, nothing would make me happier, but I can't deal with him leaving New Orleans for us." She smiled again as she checked that Bevan was wrapped up still, then kissed his head before she went round and got in the passenger side. Merri just wanted to focus on getting today over with so she could sit in bed with Bevan and tell him all about the family he hadn't met. "I know it seems bizarre, but it really is what's best for all of us until we can all be together for good, however much I miss him right now. I want to know that we have a home to go to when we head back to New Orleans." She sighed softly, trying to shake off the feeling that she should never have left to begin with.

"Alright, I get it, I just can't imagine having had my eldest and not having my husband there. Though I was much younger and living in a foreign country. A little different." Every time Callahan revealed something new about herself, Merri was more and more surprised by what she learnt. It was helpful, in a way, as it helped Merri see her in a new light, and see that Callahan wasn't going to judge her for the things in her past. Callahan was especially going to be helpful with Bevan when her mother wasn't available. Since Paul and Olivia were planning to go back to Virginia soon, she needed to get used to that idea too.

"I'm only in a different state, and I'll be fine. I have you and Leanne and the others." Merri grinned, then settled in and looked back to check that Bevan had gone back to sleep. She then tried to focus on the rest of the day, she was far more concerned than she maybe should be about meeting Mark's wife. Knowing that they'd been having some marital trouble, that she'd taken their children and left because he'd taken the assignment, it made her tense for a reason she couldn't explain.

When they arrived at the church where the service was to take place, she was just glad that Callahan stopped near the door to let her get out. She just walked round and got Bevan out of his seat, thinking she could just carry him for the day, he wasn't exactly the heaviest. Walking in she sat down in a pew toward the back, not wanting to disrupt anyone else who was already in the church. As she settled Bevan back on her shoulder, she heard a voice behind her. "Agent Brody, is that you?" It was a soft, calm voice and not really what she'd expected. She did sit up a little straighter and nodded.

"Yeah, that's me." Merri nodded again, then lifted Bevan a little higher. Sophie looked exactly like the pictures Mark had shown her over the last seven months. Even if she hadn't asked, Merri would have recognised her. Looking up and around, she saw Mark's children to the front, looking as upset as she could imagine. "And this little guy is my son, Bevan. He's two weeks old today." She was sure Sophie knew that, but she felt like she had to say it anyway.

"The day after Mark died." Sophie frowned, squeezing the jacket she was holding. Merri patted the empty space next to her and smiled, wanting to talk more but wanting for the other woman to be comfortable as they did. Bevan made the squeaking noise that signalled he was starting to wake up a little, and Sophie reached over and stroked his cheek. "Can I hold him?" She asked quietly, and Merri just nodded before handing him over.

"The last few months… Mark is the only one who kept me going through the really tough parts of this assignment." Merri spoke softly, not wanting anyone else to overhear this conversation. What she had to say was only for Sophie to know, and after today she doubted that she'd ever speak about it again, or only once more when she got home. "Whenever I was starting to falter, or my personal issues were getting to me, he would be able to calm me and make sure that I had enough reserves to get me through. Otherwise, I would have given up months ago." She hoped that would, at the very least, let Sophie know that her husband had made a difference. As she lifted Bevan a little higher into her arms Merri saw the unshed tears and reached out to rub her arm.

"I was so angry at him for taking this last assignment. I felt like it was him pushing us away. He changed when he went undercover." She sounded broken up about the fact that was the last fight they'd had. Merri didn't know if she should actually say that she knew exactly what had been going on between Sophie and Mark, it didn't seem like the right time. "Then when I learnt that his new partner was going to be this woman from New Orleans who had a not-so-great reputation… I just lost it, I couldn't cope anymore, so I took the kids and I left." Merri was completely unsurprised that Sophie hadn't heard the best things about her, she didn't always have the best of reputations. "He held on to us, even when I was trying to move on. That was Mark all over, though, he never liked to give up." Sophie tried to smile, rocking slowly backwards and forwards to keep Bevan calm.

"He told me some things about it, when we were having our quieter days. My thoughts of home were always in New Orleans, his were always with you and your kids." Merri carried on rubbing Sophie's arm and looked at the children who were sat at the front of the church. The sight caused Merri to think about the fact that she was choosing to keep Bevan away from his father, but those five kids were never going to see their father again. Was she really doing the right thing? She knew she was, but doubt was there.

"I've never really known anyone who died, nobody close anyway. This is the first time. My grandparents died before I was born and my parents are both still alive. Does it get any easier?" Sophie questioned, thought it maybe wasn't necessarily directly to Merri, it seemed more general, but in this area Merri was an expert. Merri was, in some ways, surprised that someone could get to their age and be that lucky, but she understood that was the way the universe was for some people. her mind shot back to the day Emily died, and there was another stab of pain when she remembered that her son was never going to meet his aunt. She was always just going to be a name to him, not something real. Honestly, Merri didn't know if it got better, or easier, but it did get more manageable. More straightforward. But it always hurt like hell.

"I've lost too many people, too many good friends… My twin sister…" She trailed off and rubbed Bevan back, wishing that Emily were there too. "I don't really know if easier is the right term, but you will eventually get to a point where the pain isn't as prevalent, where you can think about them without wanting to cry, and where telling stories of them makes you feel close to them, not more distant." Even now, Merri still struggled with the last step. Talking about Emily was hard, but she wanted to get better at that for her son.

"That still sounds like it's all a very long, long way away. Right now all I can think about is the fact that I'll never see Mark again." Sophie finally just started to let her tears fall, and Merri couldn't blame her for that. She'd done the same at Emily's funeral, though she'd had James and Daniel there to support her through it. Sophie had her children and her parents, but the wasn't going to make it any easier really. Merri reached over to take Bevan when he started to fuss a little, probably wanting to feed, but she was caught off-guard by Sophie next questions. "How long has it been since your sister died?"

"Nine and a half years. August 27th, 2007." It was a day she was never going to forget. She could still remember every word on the call from her mother, while she was on the Moultrie. She still wished that call had never come. Emily's death was the root of so many of her issues and had caused a family rift that had barely been healed. "I think about her every day still, and I miss her more the longer my life goes on without her. But I am getting better at it all, even talking about her, though it's still hard." She placed Bevan back on her shoulder while she started rooting through the bag to get the cover for Bevan, then reached over and squeezed Sophie's hand. "It will get more normal, in time."

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Agent Brody. I needed to know who Mark had been spending his last few months with." She frowned again, but Merri understood that it wasn't about her. Sophie now needed to go over all of this herself and figure out where she stood. Then she'd be able to start healing. There was only so much that Merri could do now, and she'd done all she could. Now she wanted to go off herself and try to forget about the pain, none of this had been easy on her, and she needed to recover too.


End file.
